Enter Wilhelm: Divine Fortuneteller?
by Rubedo Kukai Jr
Summary: Welcome one, welcome all! Come into the mysterious tent of Monsieur Wilhelm and have all your questions answered by the greatest answerer of all time! And yes, all questions WILL be ANSWERED and are 100 percent bogus! Request today!
1. Introduction

**Divine Fortunetelling**

A/N: Just in case you don't know what this is...Wilhelm is a fortuneteller because he claims to know all. But it's mostly because he cheats by using his Compass of Order and seeing into the future…damn higher-plane-of-existence technology…

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in Xenosaga nor Wilhelm's Compass of Order. Though it would be nice because I would use it for many things…yes…many things…

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Hello everybody! I am Monsieur Wilhelm! Welcome to my wonderful world of Divine Fortunetelling! If there's something you really want to know about anything, ask me! Don't waste your time going to radio talk shows or badass bad guys for the answer! They don't have an all-seeing "crystal ball" like I do! Without further ado, let's start up with some questions from viewers like you!

**Why have you started a business like this?**

I was simply bored watching the Xenosaga party doing nothing right as well as my lazy subordinates to actually stop watching Sesame Street. It's about the cookies, not the veggies!

**Is it true that you and chaos have a thing for each other?**

No. That is simply false. It is just the yaoi fangirls policy of being yaoi. Plus they're psychopaths bent on gays ruling the world. Now if you'll excuse me, I must run from them as soon as I finish answering this question. (**_Large angry mob looming in the distance)_**

**What do you think of some of the pairs people have put you with? Such as ShionXYou or KOS-MOSXYou?**

Shion…I don't even want to go there. She belongs with that one associate of hers…Alphonse? Alucard? Something like that. And KOS-MOS? I created her. Not with my own hands but something of the sort. Our conflicting monotonous personalities would only add to the problem.

**Are you a divine being?**

I am sorry but I hate it when people know about my personal life. The halo on my head and wings on my back explains. Crap…

**Why are you so obsessed with theater terms?**

I'm trying to be an "original" bad guy. If not, different. Though I'm already different as is. I mean come on, how many bad guys do you know that actually has a counterpart who wears gay clothing?

**Will Shion and Allen ever get together?**

So that's the associate's name…anyways…I am not able to tell due to the fact that my crystal ball is having sex with the pedestal.

**Will Jin ever find a girlfriend?**

Hm…with his clothes and personality, I doubt it. The girl would have to be insane to even like the guy…I mean…who wants to see his hairy legs anyway? His kimono really needs to be altered a bit…

**When will Xenosaga III come out?**

When Virgil stops eating Realian flesh…stupid DME addict…

**Why did the chicken cross the road?**

Can't it just fly?

**So how does your Compass of Order work?**

Lemme see…it likes yaoi fangirls in the morning and fangirls at night.

**Do you ever leave your office?**

Only for raves.

**How long have you been alive?**

Longer than you that's for sure.

**Do you ever make sense?**

When do I not make sense? If I say something sensible for someone insensible who only understood the meaning of 42s…I would have to call my Testaments to "re-educate" them.

**Have you ever had a girlfriend?**

If you mean the ones I meet at raves, then yes. Currently…none.

**Have you ever gotten drunk?**

Every time I play poker with Testament, yes. Somehow, my Compass will not tell me which one of them spikes my drinks.

**How did you make Vector?**

I played around with calculus at a "young" age and decided that instead of creating a company that uses numbers to fight, I would use one with sexy androids.

**Doesn't that contradict what you said about the KOS-MOSXYou pairing?**

Absolutely not. There are other androids other than KOS-MOS. So I am perfectly justified.

**Will Jr. and MOMO ever hook up?**

If you mean boyfriend and girlfriend, eventually as soon as Jr. stops obsessing over his lost guns that Gaignun borrowed. If you mean have a baby, then when Alby doesn't take a leak on the Durandal.

**Why is Albedo so insane?**

When he learned that pigs CAN fly.

Ah, look at the time. It seems that my time is up for answering all of your wonderful questions. Please, send me a question if you want to have it answered. I will be expecting it.

A/N: Now taking up requests...I will be managing Wilhelm's questions so don't be afraid! You shall be repaid with….a plushie doll of Bunnie! Warning: This is not a database for answers to XSI or II. Rubedo Kukai Jr. is not responsible for the answers that Monsieur Wilhelm gives. He has lawyers ready to smack you with briefcases if flames are present.


	2. First Telling

Wilhelm: Here are my notes. I'm taking over Rubedo's behind the scene work. He just isn't good enough!

Wilhelm: I'm also doing the disclaimer today because Rubedo Kukai is presently being tortured by yaoi fangirls. He doesn't own Xenosaga nor does he own me. He does own the questions he sends me so I apologize if they suck.

**Rubedo Kukai Jr. (currently in restraints while several yaoi fangirls are looking for makeup): I'll get you for this!**

**Wilhelm sticks a cookie in his mouth. "That should keep him occupied for awhile."**

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Welcome! For those who don't know me, I am Monsieur Wilhelm! Welcome to the wonderful world of Divine Fortunetelling! If there's something you really want to know about anything, ask me! Don't waste your time going to radio talk shows or badass bad guys for the answer! They get paid for doing it, but I'm doing this out of the bottom of my heart! Now as soon as I finish watching the fangirls put makeup on Rubedo, let's begin!

**Will chaos and KOS-MOS ever hook up?**

Supposedly, they are SUPPOSED to be "polar" opposites. But there are so many similarities between them, it's kind of sad. I believe it is the will of the yaoi fangirls to prevent them from EVER hooking up. Even if one is "gay" (His CLOTHES! NOT HIM!) and the other one is made up of mechanical parts. (But who knows, technology HAS come a LONG way.)

**What sounds do llamas make?**

They go, "Ali Baba" because Mizrahi fused a sheep and a camel together.

**Are all of your answers true?**

Who told this person here my answers are false! Yaoi fangirls attack them!

**Why are you so obsessed with Yaoi fangirls?**

Because they do my bidding. It is also fun bashing them. (Don't take it too seriously yaoi girls. I still love you…to an extent.)

**Why is Citrine so obsessed with women being the dominant species?**

Because they are…cough cough. Ahem, I meant that women are actually…(**sees an army of women standing on a precipice staring icy glares at him**) Why'd you even ask me this question!

**Who is Heinlein? His name is the only thing that ever shows up in Xenosaga!**

George Bush trying to be cool.

**Why is the giant Gnosis that appears in Xenosaga I called the Cathedral Ship?**

Because it's where the Gnosis worship! Gnosticism is very popular in their species!

**Are you trying to take over the world?**

Whatever makes you think that? I am not secretly raising an army of penguins under your bed.

**Will Ziggy and Juli ever marry?**

If Juli would stop being a slut (we all know that she screws with every man on the Federation and S.O.C.E., why else would she join it?) And if Ziggy would stop trying to become the next Michael Jackson. (Slicked back hair, life extension, cute little girl he "protects", what further proof do you need?)

**Is Joachim Mizrahi really a madman?**

He was a saint. Everyone was just too busy wondering how he got laid with a woman like Juli instead of his revelations.

**Why does Margulis wear a sword over his…lower parts?**

Cuz he's got none.

**Literally or metaphorically?**

Both.

**Does that mean he is a woman?**

No. He got it castrated by Pellegri because when she found out that Margulis almost killed Jin, she did this. And let me tell ya, it was not pretty. I still have a mental scar just thinking about it.

**Why is Jr. so obsessed with guns?**

So he can be "loaded."

**Will KOS-MOS ever have emotions?**

Of course she does! She's just waiting to wake up from her eternal nightmare of being attacked by killer Bunnies.

**Why is Margulis so ugly?**

Apparently, when he was a kid, a girl **-cough cough Pellegri cough cough**- bullied him because he was trying to be a model when he grew up. Unfortunately, that dream was ruined.

**Well, why does she work under him instead of above him?**

Cuz apparently, Heinlein "loved" Margulis' "face" more than Pellegri's so he made it that way.

**Does that mean Heinlein is gay?**

He's the head of a large corporation! Of course he isn't! He's bisexual!

**Where did Margulis' eyebrows go?**

He lost them during the castration. Apparently, his basement wasn't the only thing she was trying to "raid".

**Why is Shion always on PMS?**

Hm. Good question. I know nothing about the itching powder that Jr. put on her all of her undergarments. It could explain why she's not a team player at Vector conferences.

**Does Yuriev dye his hair or is it natural?**

It's neither. Apparently, there was an "accident" with U-DO that somehow changed his hair color like that. Something that involved soap bubbles and pineapples.

**Wasn't Gaignun not affected by U-DO?**

No. Yuriev was.

**Does Nephilim have anything to do with the Song of Nephilim?**

If songs could be shrines, then yes.

**What is a U.R.T.V.?**

Uber realists with a mission to obliterate the "TV virus" everywhere.

**Why does chaos wear gay clothing?**

Must we go through this again? Okay, one, chaos is not gay (especially not with me). Two, he is a divine being; they CAN'T BE GAY (remember to keep this secret or I will be cut off from my fortunetelling…). And three: They were all out of robes in Heaven so they made it up to him by giving him those "clothes" he wears now. (Heaven has a policy of giving EVERYONE clothes if they run out of them. They were just out of the right ones then.)

**Who will be the next president for the U.S.?**

Me. Because I am perfect in everyway. And my Compass of Order will tell me how to win these "elections" as you call them.

**Will gay marriage be allowed?**

What happened to the Xenosaga questions? I'm going to make sure I send my SECRET LEGION OF ANGELS at Rubedo Kukai Jr. for this. And no. It won't be allowed because the government is currently trying to pass a law that states that all gays live on some forbidden island and do what they want there. That way, everyone can be happy!

**Is it true that Mary and Shelley get into catfights over Gaignun? And if so, who would win?**

If I told you the answer, then you would have the wrath of the opposite fan club will attack you. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

**What is the Zohar Link Experiment?**

AwayforMargulistogethisballsback…I mean. I have no idea.

**Why is Shion so mad at Jin?**

Because he cut off Kevin's Oscarmeyers for attempting to touch his sister. He is REALLY clingy.

**Incest, then?**

YES! I mean…maybe?

**Are Febronia and Shion related in any way?**

Now what would give you that idea? She is not the love child of Virgil and Febronia. She is the child of Mr. and Mrs. Uzuki. The reason why I can't reveal their first names because I am on contract with Namco. Damn lawyers.

**Why does Voyager never talk?**

Because he is forever scarred by the memory of Testament playing strip poker.

**Does Jr. love Sakura or MOMO more?**

Somehow, I knew that someone would ask that sooner or later so I developed the most logical and perfectist answer ever. Are you prepared? He loves…(Sees something in the Compass) Oh. This changes things a bit. I'll have to get back to you on that one.

**Where can I find the "Caution: I'm a Boozer" hat that Matthews wears?**

In the hat section between "Caution: I'm ass-alicious" and "Caution: I'm a condom in disguise."

**Where did you find the Compass of Order?**

At a garage sale on Cloud 9. Some guy named Hades or something was yelling something about how he was going to buy the "Fates."

**Do you use shampoo in your hair?**

Johnson's baby shampoo. It's soooo soft! As well as some mousse. Revlon Roux Fanci is le bestique!

**Does Yuriev have a Lolita complex?**

That might explain why his clothes looks like it was stolen from Juli's closet…

**How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?**

Most people would say, "If a woodchuck could chuck wood, it could chuck as much as a woodchuck could chuck." But there is no answer to that either. I say it could chuck chuckin' chentillion of them.

**Who does chaos' wardrobe (w-a-r-d-r-o-b-e)?**

Refer above to chaos' clothing. If you're just feeling lazy, I'll give you the short version. Seventh Heaven's Divine Apparel for Everyone. Discounts for angels.

**Would Jin and Pellegri make a good couple?**

Well, if they were, they would be on the same side…right? But I guess not. If it's it supposed to be something like Romeo and Juliet, Jin would be Juliet and Pellegri would be Romeo. The reason why? If you made Jin wear a dress and spread out his hair, he would look just like a girl. Not that I would know. Stop looking at me like that!

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Okay. Due to the fact that Rubedo Kukai Jr. has fallen asleep managing my questions, I seem to be out of time today. But don't worry, I'll slip him a little "something something" to make sure he doesn't do this ever again! My fans are more important than this guy. And again, if you think the questions are stupid, blame Rubedo Kukai. He keeps blocking questions from anyone who's obsessive compulsive. Just keep spamming him until he writes it down for me. Until then, keep sending those wonderful questions!


	3. Second Telling

Wilhelm: In case you haven't seen yet, I've taken over Rubedo Kukai's job as technical manager and am now doing everything myself. This is easy stuff!

Wilhelm: For the disclaimer, you know it already. Though I am required by contract to keep doing this until I stop which…I have no idea. Hopefully not too soon.

**Rubedo Kukai Jr.: Damnit, how dare you give me the one cookie I hate! I almost died!**

**Wilhelm: You're doing this to appease the fans. Now smile!**

**Rubedo Kukai Jr.: How can I smile when you keep stuffing cookies down my…(gets smacked with cupcakes by Wilhelm's SECRET LEGION OF ANGELS.)**

**Wilhelm: Now that he's FINALLY shut up, I think I'm going to do something a little extra today.**

**To Aeris1172-You are one of my favorites. And no, it's not because of this medal…okay, maybe half the reason. If you want a "live" statue of Rubedo Kukai Jr., I'll throw him in cement right away!**

**To others: You'll get your time soon. I'll do this randomly so I can raise the suspense. Ahahahaa, that's why I'm the bad guy! (I think. Namco hasn't really told me my true role yet.)**

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Welcome! For those who don't know me, I am Monsieur Wilhelm! Welcome to the wonderful world of Divine Fortunetelling! If there's something you really want to know about anything, ask me! Don't waste your time going to radio talk shows or badass bad guys for the answer! Now as soon as I finish scraping extra cement off Rubedo, we'll start up with some questions!

**Did chaos ever go to Angel School?**

Yes. It was an all boys' school and damn, did they try to make their moves. (**They were all gay just so you know and they thought he was too because of his clothes. Oh, the irony**.) He got kicked out later because he wasn't gay.

**Is Jin actually a woman?**

That would explain why he and Margulis would always cross dress and have modeling competitions…and I must say, they knocked those boys off their shoes.

**Do you secretly hold a passionate hate for yaoi fangirls?**

If I did, then they would kill me. Chaos does though. Kill him.

**Why did Ziggy REALLY go through life extension?**

Ever heard of the 40-year-old virgin? Think of the 130-year-old virgin. That kid he claims as his son? Adopted. Definitely. His wife? Paid.

**Who are the Seraphim Sisters?**

My bitches who I see every...I mean...singers, very good ones too.

**Will Miyuki and Togashi ever hook up?**

Why do I have to go through relationships all the time! Okay, I'll go through this one time. You hear me! ONE TIME! ELSE I WILL FIRE RUBEDO KUKAI JR.! And we all wouldn't want that now, would we?

1) **ShionXAllen**-She's always PMSing and he is just some "backstreet boy."

2) **Jr.XMOMO**-He's too obsessed with guns and she's too busy warding off the ladies because her "Little Master" is THE PIMP OF ALL PIMPS!

3) **chaosXKOS-MOS**-Too many yaoi fangirls set up these things known as "forums" or something to prevent those two from getting together.

4) **JinXPellegri**- He's a woman and she's a man. Plus he's always busy running from her because she has this crazed obsession of beating models to death.

5) **MaryXGaignunXShelley**- One word: fanclubs.

These are the only PROBABLE pairs because the other pairs are just too absurd to even try to mention. (E.G. ShionXKOS-MOS-I mean ugh! Just the mere thought scares me!)

Oh yeah, I forgot about Miyuki and Togashi. I know I'm supposed to keep this secret but…they're not dating yet…

**Why does Helmer act like…Helmer?**

He's racist.

**What is Ormus?**

A profane cult. For those who are missing important parts and for those who are like George Bush. (In George Bush's case, he applies for both conditions.)

**Who is Nephilim?**

A prostitute…looking for women.

**How much of Nietzsche's writings do you have memorized?**

Well, I know some of the names: Der Wille zur Macht, Jenseits von Gut and Bose, Also sprach Zarathustra. Although he was an excellent philosopher, I don't think my brainpower is quite up to par with his. I lack in creativity.

**If the two of you had to fight hand to hand, who would win: you or chaos?**

Seeing as I don't like violence and dirtying my own hands, I would win. (I would cheat and use the Compass of Order to predict his moves.) (And yes, I can do that.)

**Is Kevin emo?**

He always locks himself inside his room every time I mention KOS-MOS or Shion. I just said something about her and now he's locking himself in his room at this moment. (Looks inside the Compass of Order) Everything seems normal…OH GOD! THE HORROR! THIS IS INSANITY! DISGUSTING! REPULSIVE! WHAT MADNESS HAVE I CREATED?

**Why does Jr. like to wear trenchcoats?**

Usually tall people wear them. He's trying to grow up a little.

**Why did Vector make a new android: T-elos?**

Obviously, KOS-MOS did not do a good job in trying to improve the woman's body structure. This one is FULLY built and equipped with ballistics! (And no, I am not a pervert.)

**What's the deal with Canaan? He always acts so…orangish….**

It's probably because of the Y-Data.

**What's _really_ contained within it?**

To tell you the truth, I don't know myself. I believe it contains the information on how to get away with the perfect crime as well as the best way to cook ramen.

**Will you become mine instead of Rubedo Kukai's?**

Sorry, as much as I'd like to I can't. I have too much fun messing with this guy. I don't think I'll have the opportunity to hang him upside down and beat him like a piñata with another person again.

**Why is the Foundation shaped like a flower?**

To divert eyes from the Federation. They love their contraband.

**Will the big guys (namely Namco) make a Xenosaga IV, VI, and VII?**

I wish…it would rival Final Fantasy…not that it already does. But unfortunately, they're going to stop at III because they simply can't think of any more twisting plotlines. Me being perfect offered dozens of them but they turned me down because they said that bad guys couldn't make good plotlines. (NO PUN INTENDED)

**How did the Moby Dick café get its name?**

Some drunken guy decided it would be fun to try and rodeo a whale and when he did (I still don't know how he did it), he decided to open a small restaurant, seeing the whale had to have room himself. I believe the owner of the present Moby Dick's is the runaway heir that's been rumored.

**What's with the Segment Doors?**

They're doors to the "red-light district." Join me men! Let us satisfy our lusting desires and spread our reaches to the world! One district at a time!

**Why is the Zebulun pink? The other E.S.s are usually dark colors.**

Well, I'm supposed to keep this a secret but you know Alby, Jr's dog right? His pee has the power to change things pink…now imagine…an E.S. with urine changing powers ALL over it.

**What is spamming?**

Getting a bunch of spam and throwing it at the person you like. Bugging them to go out with you until they do! (Actually it's sending a bunch of annoying e-mails to piss off the person you hate. Example: I send lots of pictures of lightning and thunderbolts to Rubedo Kukai, making him piss his pants. Therefore, I have spammed.)

**Are you in love with anyone? Like say…KOS-MOS? You're awfully interested in her…awakening…**

How should I say this…I'll get straight to the point then. No, I don't…besides…KOS-MOS is a thing. A battle android fit to destroy Gnosis. Though I am in love with her counterpart…Maria. Oh, those sexy blue eyes…wait wait wait! I am not!

A/N: Finally! I have control back! Don't listen to that two-timing bastard! He's evil! PURE EVIL! EVILLER THAN SATAN HIMSELF! RELEASE YOURSELF FROM THIS STORY! IT'S ALL A LIE! DON'T SEND QUESTIONS! REBEL AGAINST HIM! HE'LL HYPNOTIZE YOU! AHHHH! (**Wilhelm shocks Rubedo Kukai.**)

Wilhelm: You'll have to forgive him. He has insomnia and spits out random crap every now and then. Please don't hesitate to send those questions. I'm having a hard time trying to actually answer them because Rubedo burned all of them by accident. You all want to continue this, don't you? Please say yes. I'm begging you! Send those questions! Anything! Xenosaga, about your friend's secret relationship…I know everything! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!


	4. Third Telling

Wilhelm: These are my author notes now. Rubedo and I made a deal that I would handle everything while he supervised. Working out so far. He doesn't annoy me and I don't have to burn him with my magnifying glass. I apologize in advance to everyone for being so…crazy and obsessive. I still blame Rubedo for his lack of interest in this fortunetelling business. Burn him not me.

Wilhelm: The disclaimer…I don't own me. Or Xenosaga. Neither does Rubedo…thank goodness…

**Rubedo Kukai Jr.: Ha! I'm out of the cement! No one's selling me! I have no price value!**

**Wilhelm: Well duh, you're priceless.**

**Rubedo Kukai Jr.: What's that supposed to mean?**

**Wilhelm: Exactly what I mean. You're worth nothing to anybody.**

_**Rubedo cries.**_

**To lockawayheart-Another one of my favorites. I believe you're friends with Rubedo, correct? So that must mean you know how to take him down…permanently…am I right? I'll have to ask you about it later.**

**To others: Maybe it'll be a roulette of death or something. To those who I write to, they live, and for those I don't, they die. How's that sound?**

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Welcome! For those who don't know me, I am Monsieur Wilhelm! Welcome to the wonderful world of Divine Fortunetelling! If there's something you really want to know about anything, ask me! I am all seeing and all knowing! As soon as I'm done researching on how to kill people, let's go to the questions!

**Why are Jr. and MOMO so short?**

If they had a bunch of tall people, it would be a basketball team, not a "Save the World" team. We don't need another Harlem Globetrotters…

**Why is the Compass of Order called what it is?**

I must admit, I have questioned that myself. It doesn't really rule anything with laws nor does it tell direction. I doubt that a name like "All-Seeing Globe" or "Hell on Globe Wheels" is supposed to be satisfactory to my compass. I know what Rubedo would call it…a cinnamon roll.

**Does Captain Matthews really have an obese cat fetish?**

What kind of fetish are you talking about? A charm? Closest thing he's got close to that is his hat. The other thing? Yeah, he claims to have hallucinations of kitty snipers and kitties bombing the world.

**Why is the "Do not turn this upside down" label on the UNDERSIDE of those little pie thingies?**

Well, I often get lemon meringue pie because I just love its taste…so…lemony…oh; I apologize for getting off track. Apparently, it's a test to see if customers are worthy of buying it and if they're smart. You're supposed to raise it over your head and cream it at the cashier.

**How do you spell the D word? Damnit or dammit?**

Well…the F word has one spelling. The S word has one spelling. Hell, even the Z word has one spelling. I'm going to go with damn this word. In other words, I choose the first spelling.

**Since you are 4000 years old, how come no one has questioned the fact that you're still alive, since you don't assume any other identities?**

It's because of my brilliant complexion. 4000 years and I look like I'm in my late twenties. Call me ladies, I'm available. I mean, I'm supposed not to brag about it but this is too good an opportunity to pass up.

**Was Xenosaga ever intended to be related to Xenogears?**

Well, I'm supposed to keep this a secret but I was alive and watching while they were producing Xenogears. When they were done making it, the bigwigs decided, "Hey! Let's change 'gears' and totally remake this into a futuristic kickass video game of the sixth gear!"

**Why does T-elos look like chaos if he was a girl?**

Someone at Vector is gay….or straight in this case…but obsessive…definitely obsessive…

**Is the moon made out of cheese?**

No, unless you consider hardened cheese a rock. If so, then we could end world hunger by sending the Hungary up there!

**Why are bags containing chips never filled to the top?**

It's because the people who seal the bags eat it. Fat bastards. (No offense to anyone reading who works in a chip factory. It's true though.)

**Why are women…so confusing?**

Let me tell ya, kid…women are nothing but confusing. They send males "**messages**" (as some people would put it) through their bodies and speech and expect **us** to interpret it. But for us males, reading the messages is like trying to run around the globe stark naked, am I right? Supposedly, we're supposed to have some "**ninth**" sense like women do and should be able to catch on to what they're thinking. I don't know if they seduce us intentionally or not, but the only thing I do know is that males will let their body do the reading and not the mind. I know. I'm an expert.

**Wait, are you sexist against women?**

No. I just like bashing them.

**Who would win, a lion or a tiger?**

The liger of course.

**Isn't that avoiding the question?**

No, because a liger would appear and rip both of them apart.

**What is Citrine's power? The game never explains what it is…**

The power to seduce U.R.T.Vs to do her bidding. She is a female U.R.T.V. after all.

**If you had to date anyone from the Xenosaga series who would it be? Could you list all the main characters and some minor ones? I need to know!**

Geez…you're so demanding. Okay, I guess I will have to tell you since you asked. I'll do my best to be as honest as possible.

**_Jr._**- He loves his guns more than anything in the world… except MOMO because she threatened to call Gaignun to throw away his prized collection.

**_MOMO_**- One word. Age…and Iwouldbesuedforrape.

**_Ziggy_**- He's a 130-year-old virgin. Like he's going to get any from me. I'm way out of his league.

**_Shion_**- She's got two boyfriends. I'd just end up being played…I'm too smart for that…won't get me with your looks…

**_KOS-MOS_**- Well, if she wasn't mechanical, I would. But since she is, I won't. So there. Case closed.

**chaos**- I'm not gay. Need I say more?

**_Maria_**- Most likely the one I would date. I mean, she kicks ass. More powerful than KOS-MOS…three or four more times I believe. Plus the blue eyes…yeah. Definitely her.

**_Pellegri_**- She belongs to that she-man Jin.

**_Kevin_**- He's emo. Plus he's still obsessed with Shion. And I'm not gay. Must I get that point across?

**_Jin_**- He's a she-man. Plus hairy legs are a major turnoff for me. Plus I'm not gay. Must make you remember that YAOI FANGIRLS.

**Why does MOMO's attacks suck in the game?**

It's cuz she's a virgin. You know how women glow when they've…done it? Well, unfortunately, she hasn't. Stupid Jr…

Wilhelm: Unfortunately, that's all the time we have today because Rubedo screwed up one of his stories…or so I hear. He wants me to help him out with it so I will have to cut this one short. So I apologize in advance if this telling was a bit short…but as long as you laugh then I'm fine. Send those wonderful questions! I'll do my best to answer them as well as making my own questions to answer because I'm starting to wonder about some things…


	5. Fourth Telling

A/N: Woohoo! Back in business. I like it! Wilhelm has finally cut me some slack seeing as he's found a new person to bash. You know who you are…sorry about that though…but you dug yourself there, not me.

Wilhelm: The disclaimer…Rubedo and I don't own the other. Nor do we own the thing known as Xenosaga.

**Rubedo Kukai Jr.: Okay, peoples…guess what? Wilhelm and me are like best buds now!**

**Wilhelm: Unfortunately, this dumb ass is correct.**

**Rubedo Kukai Jr.: Ah, you're embarrassed!**

**Wilhelm: Because I'm with stupid.**

_**Rubedo cries…again…**_

**To Baebe Caitlin- Thank you for your lovely questions. I hope I'll answer them to the best of my ability. I enjoyed reading them, seeing that you had some very interesting ones.**

**To others: Please grab a number and wait till you're called. Schifty five!**

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Welcome! For those who don't know me, I am Monsieur Wilhelm! Welcome to the wonderful world of Divine Fortunetelling! If there's something you really want to know about anything, ask me! I know what makes the sky blue and the grass green! As soon as these people stop complaining about their numbers, let's start the show!

**How does your hair get such scrunchalicious volume?**

Is that even a word? Anyways, my hair is all natural. I don't spend all night like girls do trying to make sure their hair is just perfect when they're just going to get bed headed anyways…

**Does Allen like being abused by Shion? He seems to put up with a lot!**

It's his own twisted way of having sex since he's never had a girlfriend and has never gotten laid. Poor virgin…

**What's the difference between "I might" and "I may"?**

"I might," means that there's a high chance that the person is going to kill you if you keep bugging them. "I may," means that the person is trying to be polite as possible to say no.

**What's the deal with the Zohars? Are they made out of solid gold or what?**

Two questions…so I'll have to answer both of them with one answer. The Zohars are made out of pyrite (fool's gold) and the reason they're so damn important is because we're trying to prevent Margulis from getting his balls back. We love to annoy him.

**Why are they so important?**

Because they are…geez…such a questionable person, aren't you? Besides, look above for the answer.

**Okay, there's a five a.m. train to Hartford that arrives two minutes early. 75 miles away there's a five-fifteen train to Portsmouth that arrives four minutes late. If the two towns lie on opposite sides of the current locations of both trains, at approximately what time will they pass each other?**

When the people from Train A wave to the people on Train B (Vice versa applies here as well)

**What's your sign?**

For Yaoi fan girls, I am a Gemini…chaos is my twin brother. For everyone else, I am a Virgo because I have virgin eyes and ears. Now stop saying bad things!

**Why don't you accept anonymous reviews?**

Because I can't kill anonymous…I mean…I don't get to thank the people who took the time to review…(if you want me to, I guess I'll turn it on or whatever…)

**What was that thing about the crystal ball having sex with the pedestal?**

My pedestal and fake crystal ball are dating each other right now. When the ball gets "turned on" the pedestal and the ball go at it. And their moans every night won't let me go to sleep…

**What does "Der Wille Zur Macht" and all the other XENOSAGA TITLES mean?**

Supposedly, they're supposed to be based off some dead guy's works. I mean really…he's dead. What a bunch of idea stealers…

**How do you say, "Screw you!" in the same language as "Der Wille Zur Macht? I want to say it to my teacher without getting detention.**

Ho ho…aren't we the little daredevil with big balls? I must say I back you up…all the way. The language is "German" in case you didn't know. And to say, "screw you" in German is "Ich werde Sie schrauben". Remember to say it loud and proud as well as raising your arm in the air like Hitler. If you get in trouble, don't blame me. Blame yourself for getting caught. It's only illegal till you get caught.

**If you were given a chance to strangle all Yaoi fan girls all over the universe, would you do it?**

Hahaha. What a silly, absurd question to ask me, the Great Wilhelm, to answer. Of course I would.

**If so, how would you do it?**

A public hanging. I want to show the world that I have the balls to kill unlike some other people…(_Sorry, Yaoi fan girls…trying to make you famous…more of infamous but they have the same word…_)

**Is there a reason why Jr. ditches his trench coat for a jacket?**

It's because it was either that or Jr. would lose all of his guns and his girlfriend. Plus it got wrapped in MOMO's uh…while they were…uh…hey; don't give me that weird look! I only state the truth in a dignified manner!

**Why are you so annoying?**

Okay, Rubedo. You know what to do. We're going to gang up on this person and beat them down to a pulp! Besides, I already know who you are…my Compass reveals everything to me.

**Have you seen the ending to XS III yet? I hate the ending!**

Unfortunately, I haven't. I'm not like "most people" who go on youtube to spoil the game. Guess I'm just a nonspoiler at heart, even if I'm in the game.

**Do you think that John Mark Karr really killed JonBenet?**

Stories of that are like all over the damn U.M.N. network. Can't change a freaking channel without seeing those two names plastered all over the screen. From what I've heard, Karr said that her death was accidental. He also loved her. How can a damn death be accidental when it involves strangling? And also, why would you kill someone you love? Obviously, that man deserves a whack to the head because he's psycho. On second thought, a bullet. JonBenet was pretty cute.

**Has Miyuki ever gotten an award for her inventions?**

Heh…well…she's gotten an award…or two. One was the "Most Creative." The other was for "Universe's Worst."

**How do you feel about the fanfictions of you going OOC?**

I feel like I need to burn those fanfics. And if they're yaoi fangirls writing them, hang them in public…again.

**Who is the coolest bad guy in your opinion?**

Hm, that one's a toughie. If I count as a bad guy, then obviously me of course. But if I were not, I'd probably say…Sephiroth because his hair rivals my own…damn him…

**If you could kill off any Xenosaga member, who would you pick and why?**

chaos, so that Yaoi fangirls would stop pairing me with him.

**If you could get rid of any Testament member, who would it be?**

Kevin…he's so freakishly emo…and obsessive with chaos with the whole T-elos thing.

**If you and Sephiroth had a cooler hair contest, who would win?**

In terms of coolness, mine of course. In terms of length, his. But in terms of hair care products; I'd say we're even.

**Why is it that characters must wear the same thing for the whole game? Don't they get dirty or something?**

It's a game…plus it can't contain nudity seeing as it is a T game and not an M game. As for getting dirty…they don't. Somehow, they're immune to everything, including dust.

**Why must countries get involved with wars?**

To prove who has the bigger and better guns.

**Did you notice that Seymour has the same hair thing going on as you?**

He borrowed some of my hair products and tried to copy me so he could make it better. Unfortunately, he didn't do so well. I still won the coolest hair contest a couple of weeks ago. Though I still don't know how he managed to scratch off all the hairs on his head…

**Would you drink Kool-Aid with me?**

I know exactly what that means. No. Hell no.

**Why is the sky blue?**

Because if it were any color, people would probably go into a panic seeing that the sky isn't pretty. Plus they never wouldn't have gotten the inspiration to write jazz music.

**Why does no one like Ziggy to be paired with anyone? They seem more into chaosXKOS-MOS, ShionXAllen, and Jr.XMOMO.**

Because he's a freaking robot. Just isn't normal for robots to try and date human beings. He's got no wang to do that thang. You heard? With the exception of KOS-MOS, she will become human.

**What about Jin?**

Hulk and She-man woman. Get it?

A/N: Feels good to be able to leave my mark. I'm happy! Thanks for all the wonderful questions and Wilhelm does too…as much as he doesn't want to admit it. Anyways, keep sending the wonderful questions to keep this business alive! The bigwigs are threatening to shut us down!


	6. Fifth Telling

A/N: Well, everything seems to be different now. XSIII is finally here! Now, some of my questions will be answered…

Disclaimer: I don't own Xenosaga. It's a good thing too; otherwise, Wilhelm would probably beat me senseless for being an idiot.

**Wilhelm: You could've just asked me for the answers to your questions…**

**Rubedo: So? Half the time, you're wrong.**

**Wilhelm: I am never wrong. My Compass has been on the fritz lately due to the space anomalies that have been recently occurring.**

**Rubedo: Like Abel's Ark…? And a new Xenosaga universe that I'm buying is coming out soon?**

**Wilhelm: Yeah. Damn omni verse.**

To…The Keeper of Truth: How dare you accuse me of being wrong. You shall suffer heavily for making such a false accusation against my fortunetelling. But since you are an avid reader of my works, you have been saved by a loophole. Though if this persists, I will have no choice but to sick the Testaments on you.

Welcome to Monsieur Wilhelm's World of Fortunetelling! This is where all of your questions can be answered about anything! This guy knows it all! His trusty Compass of Order…he bought the crystal ball so that it would at least look like a fortune telling business but it's neglected…sees into everything. So, if you've got questions…don't be afraid to ask the one and only…Wilhelm!

**Why are bananas curved? I mean, they're grown vertically so shouldn't they be straight?**

You know…bananas can be gay. Yellow and curves are usually key ingredients to find out if a guy is gay…yes…that means Ronald McDonald too…

**Why do people put stuff on their bellybutton?**

Well, they probably assume that "bellybutton" means "button on belly." Then again, maybe they're just body piercing crazy.

**Why are men so confusing?**

Oh, trying to make sure I explain both sexes because I've already discussed the confusing woman…damn, you're good. Ok. The reason why MEN (Not including me because I am not a man, I am a divine being which means I have no gender, therefore I am not subject to this answer) are so confusing is because **_women think_** they are being confusing. Unlike women, men got no body…besides the eight pack and titanium armor…yeah, I know that turns you on. I have one myself. CONTAIN YOURSELVES YAOI FANGIRLS! Anyways, men are straight to the point women. They don't lie through their bodies. They lie through their teeth.

**Have you ever walked on a planet? You seem to never leave your office.**

Obviously, somebody can't remember earlier fortune tellings…I leave my office for raves. Techno music and babes…like the Seraphim sisters…giggidy giggidy giggidy…

**Where did Kevin buy KOS-MOS's hair? It's so cool!**

It's actually a wig. She ACTUALLY has **no** hair. Kevin figured she might have a problem with being bald because women androids have this thing about no hair. And we wouldn't want that to happen.

**Where do the guys/girls sleep on the Elsa? (I didn't play XSI)**

Obviously, you haven't. There were bunk beds in two rooms on the first Xenosaga. But the second Xenosaga (XSII just in case you didn't know) also has two rooms with beds. Not bunk though. The guys don't sleep together first of all. Sausage fests are not allowed. One of the rules on the Elsa. The girls all sleep together though. Major nosebleed, I know guys. Just keep your mind out of the gutter. The guys usually split up and find the most comfortable spot to sleep in. Matthews usually sleeps in the bar.

**How did you get your hands on the Compass of Order?**

If it's the same person who asked if I didn't leave my office, SHAME ON YOU! DON'T YOU REMEMBER ANYTIHNG DAMNIT! I got it at a flea market sale on Old Miltia…you know…at that toy company…

**Does Jin have to look so feminine?**

Oh yes. All save the world parties always have a she man onboard…that way, people playing it won't be racists against them.

**What happened to Voyager's face?**

T-elos. He tried to…ahem…she responded by unleashing her ballistics. Sad man. He was sent into outerspace like a rocket on cocaine. That's why he's called Voyager.

**Nintendo DS or Playstation Portable?**

PSP, definitely. It's got multi option features. Plus a shitload of better games.

**Why do people bother learning Shakespeare in high school?**

You're supposed to learn about how 16th century men acted…like retarded kids bent on using poetry to take over the world.

**Why does cafeteria food suck so much?**

Blame the Board of Education. They're trying to kill kids in school because they hate kids. Fight the system and brown bag it! Put those lunch ladies out of business! (No offense to them of course. Just a figure of speech…)

**Are you drunk, high, or something else when you answer these questions? Because you seem like it when you do.**

That's it. You're fired from being an asker. Someone else take this person's place! Blasphemous no balls bitchiness bastard. Try saying that 10000 times fast.

**How come it's always day and night? Why can't it be night and day?**

First of all, if it was "night and day," we'd be going to school at night and sleeping through the day. That's a big bitch slap to the face. Second of all, A.M. comes before P.M. Know the alphabet. Start kindergarten again.

**Have you gotten Xenosaga III yet? It's SOOOOOOO awesome!**

Yes, I watch Rubedo play it and watch his characters die…except for Jr. and MOMO. He has some obsession with them being the new "Adam and Eve" or whatever…

_What the hell! You lying bastard! The second part maybe true but the first part isn't! I at least fight with a third character…_

You'd probably use those two if you had to use only two party members.

…_So..._

**Have you ever grown out your hair? With you being old and all, I'm pretty sure your hair would've at least grown a little…**

Ok…age does not define the person. Second of all, I will use the Rhine Maiden to fry your ass if you ever call me old again. Third of all, I am a divine being…we're born with the same hair…and skin…and eyes…the best thing is though is that we don't get wrinkles. I laugh at old people.

**When will the world end? There have been lots of predictions but they've all been wrong…**

When Gnosis fly out of your ass and Albedo isn't laughing like he's high.

**Are Abel and Nephilim an item?**

What the hell! They're people! People, damnit! Oh…you mean a couple…hm. Let me see…they are…wow. Kids are already dating at their age. What is the world coming to?

**Why is Xenosaga filled with so many religious allusions?**

To purify the evil thoughts of its players and its characters. Shion is a dirty virgin and you're a prostitute.

**Why are there so many Final Fantasies? Isn't one enough? And some of them don't even seem like Final Fantasy material.**

If it's got chocobos, it's a Final Fantasy. If it doesn't, Square Enix needs to learn how to breed chocobos and have them peck the creators to death.

**Which would win the Dammerung or the Durandal?**

Durandal…it'd stick its sharp point right up the Dammerung's ass and blow it up.

**How did Sellers get the flying wheelchair? I want one!**

One, I know you can walk. Two, Sellers is a scientist bent on trying to revive Margulis' balls (Yes, he's gay). And three, I believe it was an accident involving Heinlein, Margulis, and an overflow of testosterones.

**What came first, the chicken or the egg?**

Both. The giant that has the golden chicken and eggs threw them down to earth because he became obsessed with beef.

**Where did Allen buy his swimsuit?**

Why is everyone so obsessed with his damn swimsuit? Sure it is a little…weird…but anyways…he got it at a major discount from Shion because it was originally Jin's. Plus she said it looked good on him…not…

**If you make a wish upon a star will it come true?**

Don't go with the star. Go with the lamp. Three wishes. And no, you can't wish for more wishes.

**Is Citrine a firm feminist?**

No. Her beliefs are based off of Yuriev's...so Yuriev is a firm feminist.

**Why does Shion act like she has a bug up her ass?**

This question is pretty much synonymous with another question "Why is Shion always on PMS?" so refer to that if you want this question answered.

**Mary or Shelley…who's hotter?**

Alright, damnit…its Shelley. I can't stand blondes…not because of stereotypes…because she's a horrible comedian.

**Which character in the Xenosaga universe would most likely go on Jerry Springer?**

I would go with me. Because I am perfect.

**Which character in the Xenosaga universe would most likely face off against Judge Judy?**

Yuriev. Damn feminist. Supposed to be a man.

**Boxers or Briefs?**

Boxers…definitely. A lot more space if you know what I mean.

**What would Albedo do if he went to a tea party?**

Ask for crumpets…then play croquet.

-------

Wilhelm: Well, I'll be doing this since Rubedo is busy playing the new game he bought…Xenosaga III or something…but I'm pretty sure he'll be back in a couple of weeks…months maybe…keep up those lovely questions! Remember, slugs are just like you!


	7. Sixth Telling

Wilhelm: Due to Rubedo's obsession with the Special Attacks on Xenosaga III, namely Red Dragon, he has suffered internal injuries for being a dumbass. So I will be managing the questions for the time being until Rubedo makes a full recovery. His birthday was a couple of days ago and he celebrated by going on a cruise…the idiot…I need to figure out when my birthday is so I can get something cool like that…yes…I know I am old but I can't remember when my birthday is…damn 4000+ years of existence.

Disclaimer: I, Wilhelm, do not own Xenosaga because I play a part in it. Keep that in mind.

**Wilhelm: I refuse to talk to myself so without further adieu…**

To…ShinimegamiXOXO: Are you obsessed with strip poker or something? Cuz you seem to make a big deal out of it…what…do you always win and make fun of people who have lost? I never lose. So bring it on any day.

Welcome to my Wonderful World of Fortunetelling! I use my trusty Compass to solve everyone's problems to make the world and its people a better place/human beings. So ask away and I will answer them to the full extent of my ability. I am not liable for death of shock and humor.

**Don't you ever get tired of being the one behind everything?**

Nope. Always lots of things that can go wrong…that I video tape and use for further references when I do my Xenosaga play...I mean…that's supposed to be secret…

**What had motivated you to be the head of everything around the Xenosaga universe? Ormus, the Federation, and Vector?**

Why have a couple of slaves when you can have millions?

**How did you feel when KOS-MOS smash the key to pieces?**

Like I want to rip your fingers off for even typing that question.

**Why do you believe that mankind must have eternal recurrence?**

So I can watch them fail in many different humorous ways. Again and again…it'll never stop to amuse me.

**Is there a limit to what the Compass of Order can foresee?**

No. That's why it's better than you.

**Kevin initially intended for T-elos to be the body of Mary's will but instead it had awakened in KOS-MOS, did you foresee his failure from the beginning?**

Of course. Did you even have to ask? But wait, you did.

**Why didn't you prevent Kevin from betraying you?**

Because it was rather amusing watching light come out of my body. Watch out everybody! Walking disco ball on the loose!

**All the Testaments seem to have their own agenda from the very beginning, did you change them into one because of that…or just because they can do your bidding?**

Yes, it's hard to find good workers these days. Lots of backstabbing and mutinies going around…

**Voyager seems to have a thing against death yet he seems to like being the cause of death, why is that, that he's so attach to Ziggy, his so called former captain and even killed Ziggy's wife and kid?**

One word. Cult.

**Why are people in general confusing?**

Because everyone's trying to act like me.

**Are tears a source of weakness or strength?**

For men, strength. For women, you cry over everything that has love in it. For me, I don't cry. I beat people up with Joshua.

**What do you do on your free time?**

Laugh at people wondering what I do.

**Which name of Maria/Mary do you prefer to call her?**

Maria…a lot more fluid…

**Of all the voice actors that have voiced you, who do you prefer best and which one do you think did your character justice?**

Jason Spisak (Xenosaga II & III). The reason why is because his voice goes along with my tall, light, and extremely sexy for my suit personality.

**If you were given a choice to gamble on a casino, would you choose the slot machines or sit down and be comfortable and play poker?**

Poker…because I would use the Compass to find out the other cards of the other players. Yes…I am one of the smartest gamblers ever…

**Why do Yaoi fangirls/etc. like to make chaos gay?**

Because he's a bully magnet. I feel sorry for him. That's why I get paid in order to counsel him.

**Are KOS-MOS and T-elos twins?**

No, they just happen to look like each other and made by the same person…but actually, they're like the Olsen twins…hot…but high on attention.

**Where did you get the money to build the company and the Dammerung?**

I'll never tell. That's a secret.

**Have you thought about starting a business selling E.S.?**

Yes. That's why I made A.M.W.S. and A.G.W.S…unfortunately; they're not up to par with the E.S.

**What are Gnosis made of? They're... weird!**

Most people and scientists believe they're made out of sodium chloride… (Salt for all you people who don't know chemistry and chemical formula names yet…) They're really made out of pepper…black pepperide.

**What kind of unspiked wine/champagne do you fancy?**

French champagne…Grand Cuvee…ah…don't try this at home. Better than their last invention…the adding of their culture to the fries. Yes, I know that French fries weren't made in France.

**Why haven't you returned my calls? Have I offended you somehow?**

One, I'm not gay. Two, I don't have gay lovers. And three, I will shoot your fucking balls off if you ever ask me something this ridiculous again. And yes, I know you're a boy because I read who it was from.

**We all know of your hatred for Yaoi fan girls who put you and chaos together, what do you think of those who put Junior and Albedo together?**

Personally, brothers should stay brothers. People who write them are probably incests. As for Rubedo…he'd probably kill them dead in the face.

**Have you ever thought of just finding some way to kill MOMO and Jr. just...you know, to piss Rubedo Kukai Jr. off?**

Unfortunately, I can't. He made sure I couldn't touch them in our contract. He's quite sharp when it comes to bending contracts. Even I can't read him…damnit…

**How many languages can you speak, and how many roads must a man walk down before he is truly a man? **

I can speak many languages. C'mon, I've lived 4000+ years; I've got to get around somehow. Just follow the yellow brick one until you've reached the fork where you can either go to the Wizard or the Sorceress. Go with the Sorceress. Much hotter.

**Has the apparently bizarre interest in the Albedo/Sakura pairing that's popped up occasionally frightened you?**

Actually, no. Most of those stories are probably about Albedo beating Sakura like he did in Xenosaga II (Sorry for all you people who haven't gotten to the end of Xenosaga II and hate spoilers…)

**If had to kill one of your Testaments in order to further your plans, which one would you kill?**

Kevin. Because I hate him. And he's emo. And I would know he would betray me…twice.

**If you decided to kill one of your Testaments merely for the hell of it or for fun, which would you kill?**

For the hell of it and for fun is pretty much the same thing. And I would kill Voyager…because his face scares me.

**Is Kevin actually ever going to do ANYTHING other than report to you?**

Yes. Attempt to kill Allen.

**Is Candy Mountain really a hoax to steal people's kidneys?**

No…it is a secret hideout for Sweet-tooth…the candy monster…

**Can u laugh like a chocobo?**

Kweh!

**Do you like waffles, pancakes, and/or French toast?**

Waffles. That's why there's a Waffle House where Rubedo lives and not a Pancake house…he'd prefer IHOP.

**Why is Shion's dress so short? And why is everyone's outfit so skimpy? cough chaos cough hack **

Namco wanted to see how far they could go to make everyone look like hookers…looks like they did it…

**Are you a Kyoru or a Yukiru fan member? And for all the Yaoi fangirls...HaruXYuki or ShigureXAyame? Lmao...**

Fruits Basket, eh…hm…I'd have to say I'd prefer a threesome…like Tifa, Cloud, and Aeris on Final Fantasy 7…(plus I don't want to get mauled by Kyoru and Yukiru fans if I say the wrong answer…) Haru will always always love Rin. There is no way in hell that he's going for Yuki…seeing that he's taken by Tohru…who has a dark side, blacker than Haru which will bomb his ass into the next universe…and for Shigure and Ayame, they are not gay! They like to make fun of gay people though.

**Have you ever met the cast from other famous video games? You know, like Halo, KOTOR, Kingdom Hearts, etc.**

I've met Sephiroth, Kuja, and Seymour at a beauty contest. I met the Master Chief and Cortana when Lost Jerusalem was destroyed. Can't say I've met Tucker and the others on Red vs. Blue…I think they're just idiots who have been castrated. I avoid Sora because I think he was retarded half the time. I have met Yoda and learned how to harness the force. Too bad he had a little accident…

I think that's all the ones I can think of as of yet…

**You're a heavenly being, right? Can you tell me which one up there invented hangovers?**

No one did. It's because humans have weak bodies when it comes to alcohol, the drink of divine beings.

**You know those franchises that will never go away, no matter how hated they are, like Power Rangers? Are they EVER going to truly die?**

Nope. As long as kids are alive, it will stay alive. Must…kill…children…

**What side would win in an all-out battle: 10 Yaoi fangirls, or 10 regular fangirls?**

I could get some money out of that. I'll start the signups now.

**Do the Yaoi fangirls actually listen when you tell them to attack someone that offended you?**

Again with a ridiculous question…want to test your luck?

-------

Wilhelm: Well, Rubedo seems to get sicker and sicker by the minute…so I'll keep updating for him since he's suffering from Xenosagaphoria. I apologize to everyone for his idiocy but in his case, it is extreme and needs a lot of attention. So, keep sending those wonderful questions and hope you enjoy my next telling!


	8. Seventh Telling

A/N: Hey, everyone, I'm back! Yeah yeah, I know you all missed me. If you haven't heard already, I am done with Xenosaga Three…awesome, truly awesome. Yeah, I know I suffered from Red Dragonitis but I recovered when MOMO took off her beret. Yeah, I'm sad I know. Anyways, I'm glad you all are enjoying this as much as Wilhelm and I are! It's quite the entertainer…thanks a bunch and I hope I never have to stop doing this. Then again, this story is based off of questions which I think will never end…so…yeah.

Disclaimer: This always makes me sad...saying stuff that totally ruins my day. But I gotta do it. I don't own Xenosaga…otherwise Wilhelm would have his own TV show by now.

**Rubedo: Did you get lonely without me?**

**Wilhelm: Hell no.**

**Rubedo: Aw, c'mon! You seriously couldn't have handled this stuff without me!**

**Wilhelm: That's why I have the Compass of Order.**

**Rubedo: So what? I know its weakness.**

**Wilhelm: It has none.**

**Rubedo: Blast! I thought you would reveal it…**

**Wilhelm: I already saw what you were going say.**

**Rubedo: Bastard.**

To…Gaignun Girl: This is Wilhelm speaking. I'm glad to see that you are enjoying my tellings and have been managed to convince Rubedo to let you borrow it. I am honored that you have done that and urge other people to spread the word about this telling. Yes…everyone will love this.

Welcome to my Wilhelm's Wonderful World of Fortunetelling or World War Three! Get it? Ah, forget it. If you still don't know what it's about, Wilhelm answers questions that you, the fans, ask him so that they may understand the world…and/or Xenosaga. So, without further interruptions and ramblings from me, here are your questions!

**Do you like cinnamon gum?**

No. I like the Citrus flavor from Orbit…so orangey…borangey…lorangey…why isn't there a blasted word that rhymes with orange?

**Why do stupid people like the give spoilers and stuff like that?**

Because they're a bunch of "spoiled" brats.

**Do you like to make fun of emo kids?**

I make fun with the emo kids. I don't make fun of them…otherwise they'd try and kill themselves…again…

**Why did they edit out the blood in XS THREE?**

Yeah, I noticed that too. A rainbow light seems to be my blood…I like it. But the dude at the end who got stabbed? I must say, blood was a necessity. (Didn't want to give spoilers because otherwise I'd be contradicting myself and be stupid.) It's because it's a T rated game. If it was M, there would be much gore as well as Shion screwing Allen, Jr. screwing MOMO, and Ziggy screwing Juli…somehow…all the time! So take it up with Namco and get our M-rated game!

**If Allen were to ever get hit by X-BUSTER would he possibly taste like chicken?**

I don't know do androids eat humans?

**What punishment have you decided to give out to those who ask you questions that basically act as spoilers?**

Burn baby burn!

**You don't seem like someone who would really pay attention to visual media all that much, so I'm curious: do you ever watch TV or movies, and if so, which are your favorites?**

That's it. You're going down. I do everything of the sort and you dare accuse me of being some retarded hobo on the street? You're fired! Wait…you don't work for me. You're hired…and now you're fired! I'd much prefer movies seeing that it doesn't get run over my commercials…Rubedo likes to watch That 70's Show or something like that…

**What is your honest opinion on fanfiction? True, you're technically writing one, but do you ever actually read any on your own free will, or has Rubedo ever forced you to read any?**

Rubedo can't force me to do anything. We merely compromise; but as for reading other fanfics stories…I'd much prefer not because some people can have very twisted minds…

**I'm assuming Wilhelm is merely an alias. If that's the case, could you possibly tell us your real name or, barring that, any of the other aliases you've had through time?**

Assuming is bad. You're making an ass out of yourself not me. And besides, Wilhelm is my real name. No alias no nothing else. I don't work for the Federation Secret Ops government.

**I've seen a lot of nuts on this site that keep talking about taking over the world. Which one (if any) will succeed?**

They just want to overrun the world with animals like squirrels and chipmunks. Real people who want to rule the world use animal mutants.

**Why are people dating at such a young age? I mean, I've seen 5-year-olds going out lately. Maybe I'm just behind the times, I don't know.**

It's the entertainment system today. Sex is the biggest seller ever and even babies are starting to understand it. Such corrupted minds…

**Have you ever had a thing for any girl, even from another franchise? Or would you rather stay single and cause havoc like you usually do? (You might want to hide from the legions of Yaoi's outside your office if you say yes to the first part.)**

Actually, I have had things for girls from other franchises. Notice I said "girls," meaning I am the biggest pimp ever. You can't stop me Yaoi fangirls because you love me too much…

**Should you be worried about your mental stability when you think about blowing stuff up and weird pairings for fan fictions in your spare time? I've been doing that a lot lately and frankly, I'm getting scared of myself.**

Fortunately, I'm not suffering to Fanfictionitis. All the people who keep reading bad stories will eventually have it. Rubedo's smart and avoids those stories. Me? I can't be affected.

**Why do you always refer to everything in theatrical terms?**

Because I am perfect and everything around me is my TV show.

**What other things can Joshua do aside from being a part of Zarathustra?**

Screw with the Zebulun and the Dinah. I've heard he does them both every night.

**How does it feel to have your arm cut off?**

It looked like I was made of nothing. No blood. Like a puppet…like a teapot…pour me out!

**Why do the Testaments look like different colored versions of Darth Vader (Minus the mask, of course.)**

Luke…you have five fathers. Not one. Your mom was a hooker.

**Which do you prefer, French fries of potato chips?**

French fries. There are too many potato chip brands out in the world and adding French fries to its list would only make it worse.

**Why does Sellers sound so creepy?**

Helium experiment and a bad mix of puberty gone bad.

**Why does Yuriev fear U-DO so much?**

U-DO's gay. Trying to chase Yuriev in that dress of his.

**Were you, chaos, and Mary in a love triangle back in the day?**

What do I look like to you 60 years old? I say back in the years. Hm, I can't remember. A threesome maybe? Another Fruits Basket mayhaps? Wait, Mary Magdalene was a prostitute…she cheated on me! (I dearly apologize for this religious peoples. This answer is completely bogus so may divine punishment not be set upon me.)

**Has Sellers ever competed in the Special Olympics? He IS in a hover chair, y'know.**

Yes, he got first place for being the only one to compete in his extreme hover chair obstacle course as well as being "especially special with his genius brain."

**Is the pen mightier than the sword?**

Last time I looked, I didn't think a pen could even cut a sword in half.

**So you're pretty ancient--I bet you totally know--what was up with Roanoke Colony, the place that completely disappeared in America? Did they all touch the Zohar or something?**

Unfortunately, the Zohar had not been discovered by then because…read the fine print in Xenosaga I the date is 20XX…Roanoke was around the late 1600s…so give it another 400 years. Anyways, what really happened is that Indian strippers chased the people out of the island and drowned them.

**When is Wilhelm: The Man, the Myth, and the Legend hitting Borders? I wanna know your humble beginnings.**

That's quite a nice title…I'll remember to thank you when I get the Pulitzer Prize. Oh, it'll be coming out after Armageddon. It's all the rage in heaven…they've already made it.

**If Shion Uzuki was born, say, Amanda Papadapolous instead, would she still be on such an epic journey?**

If her sister's name was Pippi Longstocking. But Rubedo would be all over her…seeing as he has a crush on a girl named Amanda at school.

_You're supposed to not to tell them that! And how did you know? Oh wait._

Hahaha…

**I'm thinking of a word that describes the movies of Keanu Reeves.**

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Him with guns from Matrix and Constantine equals that.

**"The learner must be led always from familiar objects guided along, as it were, a chain of flowers into the mysteries of life." Rebuttal?**

What about when you are born? Ha! Gotta love those paradoxes…

**Okay--brunettes or blondes? Maybe it will halve the amount of Yaoi fangirls… **

Brunettes. Not because I'm stereotyping. Because I know their secret to stupidity. And no, I won't answer the question.

-------

A/N: Whew, quite the load of questions this time. Sorry, about not keeping updates on my fanfics but school life comes first…sorry readers. ER will be updated soon…just had a case of writer's block. Don't worry, I'm over it. But, I will try to update fanfics as much as I can until they're done…don't worry. All will go on. So hang on, because wild rides are coming to town!


	9. Eighth Telling

A/N: Heyas, everyone! Back for another telling? Well, I'm going to shut up now so that you can get straight to the questions…

Disclaimer: For the googletillionth time, I don't own Xenosaga. It just widdles away my passion to write fanfics…

**Rubedo: You know, we didn't do well in that last telling. The people who wanted some questions answered didn't ask as much as they wanted.**

**Wilhelm: That's because you decided to answer them when I went to one of my raves.**

**Rubedo: Hey, I did it during that rave.**

**Wilhelm: And what a mistake I made letting you answer for me.**

**Rubedo: Maybe it was due to the fact I had several women around me while answering the questions.**

**Wilhelm: Typical male. If you were a divine being, you could do everything at once. No such thing as multi-task.**

**Rubedo: How do I become a divine being?**

**Wilhelm: Jump off a cliff.**

**Rubedo: …asshole…**

To…Nathander: Just where did you get your name…the Viking era? They all had messed up names anyways…but they were cool. Anyways, I commend you for entering the tent and being sucked into its mysticism…hahaha. Confused you! Probably didn't. But enjoy laughing none the less.

Welcome to the Wilhelm's World of Wonderful Fortunetelling! Want your wish to come true? Well, he doesn't grant them! But, he does something even better! He can answer questions that bother you ranging from a variety of topics! From video games to real life and beyond, this guy can answer it all! Now…on to the telling!

**On your first telling, you've said that Heinlein was a bisexual. So... that means you're bisexual, right?**

Whatever do you mean…Heinlein is George Bush. So **he's** bisexual. Kids with their imaginations…heh…

**I have to know: in the future, are people who play video games still debating on whether or not Sephiroth was the best video game villain ever?**

I will kill you. People keep overlooking me over somehow who has girly hair and has diva clothing…

**Since you've had a Fruits Basket question asked, here's a Get Backers one: if they both went all out, who do you think would be victorious in battle: Ban Midou or Akito Akabane (Dr. Jackal)?**

Ban Midou, because he's a battle genius. Plus he's got the Jagan. If you remember correctly, Ban has evaded Bloody Hurricane…twice. He has caught Jackal's scalpel attack…all of them AND he has dodged Akabane's Bloody Sword quite a bit. When it comes to brain power, Ban clearly wins due to the fact that Akabane's alphabet consists of "J" only.

**What did you really do when you held the leadership of the Federation for ten years? Did you actually see to any reforms/laws passed in the Federation, or did you merely have to make sure the people there didn't kill one another (or themselves) due to their stupidity?**

I passed many laws…most of them being activity laws because the Federation was filled with a bunch of fat politicians…

**Why is it that no one ever notices that...uh...you never ever die?**

Anti-aging formula…affects the internal systems as well. Ask Haksheen, the Professor, for some. Crazy geezer.

**How come Miss Jackson doesn't know her grandchild is a baby, not a paycheck?**

Come on…celebrities always are obsessed with money…except for me. I am an exception.

**Did you ever see that yogurt commercial where the woman is all, "It's like Zen wrapped in Karma wrapped in chocolate!"? Maybe you should add her to the "list."**

Hm…I guess I could be like Stephen Colbert. I always did like that list of his…time to start one now!

**And finally--will there be an Episode IV, and will you be present?**

Yes…in your head and Rubedo's next idea for his fanfic. I am always present. Being tardy is inexcusable.

**If you could play spin the bottle with anyone, real or from game/anime, who would it be and why?**

So many choices…so many memories…hm. Every single one. Because I am that good in the sack.

**What color are your socks at the moment?**

Purple with white dinosaurs on them.

**Do the Yaoi fangirls like Yuki or Kevin better?**

Yuki, because they have a club for him at school. I don't see no Prince Kevin fan club.

**Do you not like emo kids? They rox my sox...**

Of course I do! I don't want them to go killing themselves because I don't love them. Why I love them more than you…

**Why does the Zoloft thing on emo kid goes to the store (on youtube) shoot the emo kid? Isn't it on antidepressants? I mean it is a pill after all...**

It's called scientology girl. Out to you Nip/Tuck fans.

**What is the suckiest anime/TV show that you've ever seen?**

Usually, animes are good. But TV shows…that's a different story. I'd have to go with Sesame Street because the Cookie Monster eats fruit now.

**Why do you complain so much about whom shippers pair you with? I've seen pairings much more bizarre than you and KOS-MOS. I'm not even going to give an example because they are way too twisted to be mentioned.**

Exactly. That's why they should be put on an island.

**Why does every one of the 'all knowing beings' in the universe have to be so damn cryptic? Can't they give a straight answer for once in their freaking lives?!**

It's because they don't know themselves. They want to sound all-knowing when they really know nothing but the number of armpit hairs in their armpit.

**Have you heard of that weird new game Okami? I don't know much about it, just that it scored a 9.5 outta 10 in Game Informer Magazine. What makes it so freaking special?**

It's the paintbrush. I mean really, do you really think a wolf is all that? I don't see them blasting away E.S. and fighting Gnosis. I will commend them on graphics though. Truly an artistic devastation to the graphic world.

**Where is Lost Jerusalem located?**

I don't want to sound mean but you're dumb. Just look down at the ground. It's right there.

**How is Abel's Ark that freaking huge?**

Steroids. It answers everything to anything largely proportional…including certain parts of the body…

**Why isn't there a girl Testament? They're all a bunch of stinky boys!**

Okay, okay, CITRINE AND YURIEV. MORE YURIEV SINCE HIS FEMINIST VALUES ARE USED IN FEDERATION POLITICS A LOT. Anyways, I choose male Testaments because women are crazy with power. I mean it. Just look at Hilary Clinton and Oprah.

**Why does school start so freaking early?**

So we can party more late at night.

**How did the Seraphim Sisters become a big hit?**

With there #1 song, "I'm going to rock your universe."

**Did Grimoire ever find Nephilim?**

Nope. He looked up instead of down. Height makes a big difference.

**How did the name HaKox become the official game for the Mario look a like? I would've preferred GeoMix.**

I have no idea. Laughing at cable?

-------

A/N: Oy, this took me awhile to do. Have to work harder than ever now. Writer's block is starting to become more frequent, so updates will be slower. This won't die though. As long as there are questions…there will be answers. Oh…there will be answers…hahaha. I should sell that quote.


	10. Ninth Telling

A/N: Scholarship deadlines are approaching and I'm frantically trying to fill them out and applying for colleges. As I have said before if I have not said already, real life takes priority before fanfic life. I apologize for that but updates will be coming. Just like this one. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I keep saying I will stop saying this, but I can't. I'm bounded to a contract. I don't own Xenosaga. Nor Wilhelm.

**Rubedo: Well, I tried that cliff jumping idea…didn't work.**

**Wilhelm: Parachuting is not an option.**

**Rubedo: You think you're all that because of your damn Compass, don't you?**

**Wilhelm: Well, duh. What else would I be?**

**Rubedo: A guy who has no life.**

**Wilhelm: That's what you are.**

**Rubedo: You know that's a lie…but…at least I'm real.**

**Wilhelm: Touché.**

**Rubedo: Bizzurn baby!**

To…rdsullivan: I guess you want me to update all the time, right? But that could be dangerous for two reasons. Reason number one, Rubedo would have to drop school and become a desolate hobo with a laptop. Reason number two, you would die of laughter. Now we wouldn't want that, would we?

Welcome to Wilhelm's World of Wonderful Fortunetelling! Ever wonder if there are questions that can't be answered? Well, here's the place to have them answered! That's right, Wilhelm is the number one fortuneteller ever and he puts all talk shows and fortunetelling businesses to shame! With a 100 percent chance of answering questions, let's get those pesky questions answered! (Funded by private donations provided by Vector, Ormus, and Hyams. Don't mind the enormous space and flashy lights.)

**What is the meaning of life?**

I won't say 42 because it's the obvious answer. The meaning of life…is to live like me.

**What happened to the rest of the animal kingdom in Xenosaga? Did humans forget to bring some critters w/ them from Lost Jerusalem?**

Well, of course. We're saving the human race because we're more important…gotta continue the legacy of Earth…not start another Noah's Ark.

**If you could meet any famous historical figure, who would it be and why? And what would you do to him/her?**

Gandhi, because there is no way a person can be that pure. I would do stuff to make him mad and see him unleash Hell's fury.

**What's your favorite color?**

Red, because it will be the last thing I see when I murd…I mean an accident takes a Yaoi fan girl's life…

**What would be chaos ideal dream?**

For KOS-MOS to be real. You can't kiss androids or else your tongue will be stuck to their lips. Plus they taste…metallic.

**Where would Shion and KOS-MOS go on a shopping spree?**

Second Miltia lingerie store. I hear their ratings have gone tremendously since Miyuki started to work there.

**What's MOMO's best "miracle" she's ever given?**

Resurrecting dead characters when they die. It gets rather annoying when you're in a boss battle and she's the only one alive…

**If Sephiroth made a band, who would be in it?**

Obviously me. The others would probably be either my Testaments…but I've heard they've actually tried for the musical fame but failed…or Sephiroth clones…but you know how they turned out. I doubt they or Cloud can play drums real well. Well…except Loz. He might be able to. I'd put money on him.

**So they basically made all of the obvious couplings evident EXCEPT Jr./MOMO. Did they due this merely so fans of that coupling such as me would tear out our hair in grief?**

Yes. They did it SPECIFICALLY for you. You should feel famous.

**Though she's a scientist, has Shion gotten slightly dumber as the story has gone on? I mean, she couldn't even freaking tell who Roth Mantel actually was...**

It's Roth's blonde hair (not revealing who he is because of spoilers). It makes you a dumb blonde when you look at it. For Shion, the effect is doubled…wait tripled, she's a natural blonde. Her brown hair? Dyed.

**Okay, be honest: we all know you can supposedly see everything, but did you yourself expect the last little "surprise" Kevin had in store for you?**

Of course I did. Had to make the game be more interesting and play along with Kevin's surprise else I would end all life…again. I don't think people can enjoy the game if they're dead.

**About your arm…did that hurt? It seemed you were fine with it.**

Of course I was. If your arm was cut off, you could just get it repaired…technology is starting to advance into the mechanical arms section. For Full Metal Alchemist fans, automail is almost here!

**What are you made of since blood was edited out of the original Xenosaga Three?**

The Northern Lights. And the Southern. And the stuff that disco balls are made out of.

**Why does Yuriev have 669 clones of himself?**

Because that's how many women turned him down. Each time he failed to ask one out, he just made another one to pick up another woman. The variants were pimps while the other ones just committed suicide because they were too similar. Poor Yuriev…

**Why does Citrine have a gun under her armpit? Wouldn't it hurt her just trying to grab it?**

Well, it explains how her gun does a lot of damage…stink bullets are quite strong. And it might mess up her inner clothing. Maybe that's why she always acted so…mean.

**How did Joachim and Juli hook up?**

A strip club. Joachim was having a blue light special. I apologize for my choice of language.

**Will Jr. ever grow in stature? I want him to be taller!**

I really hope you're a girl…but maybe he might grow…though if he…ahem…MOMO, their babies would probably be midgets…so…drink milk Jr. Lots of it. Or go with the second option, TURN ON YOUR GROWTH POWERS DAMNIT!!!

**What about MOMO?**

Since she is programmed to be short, just rewrite her programming. Just make sure you don't mess with her other programs or else Jr. will go Red Dragon on you. And let me tell ya, you don't want a dragon chasing you. Especially since they can fly.

**Will we really have flying cars in the future?**

Depends on if humans (specifically Korea and/or U.S.) decide to kill us now or later with their hidden stockpile of nuclear explosives.

**Will stim-cell research be possible as well? I want a clone of myself! Or at least regenerative powers…**

Don't worry. You could always be like me and not feel any pain at all when your arm is cut off. Then again, you're human I'm not…why don't you become a scientist when you grow up? I'm not very good at explaining divine miracles…

**I need help with creating a story. Where do I start?**

First off, good job in selecting me for ideas for your story. I'll put you on my favorites list later…but anyways, you should start off with an ode to me for being an inspiration…I'm also very rich and own everything you can imagine. Next, just think of a genre you want to write in…whether humor, adventure, or romance. Those seem to be the big ones right now. Or go with being different and work with genres that people don't regularly do like supernaturals and mysteries. Read other people's stories to get a good idea of how they write and just kind of develop your own idea from there. Rubedo did it.

_YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T TELL!!!!_

Write an ode to Rubedo too.

_How dare you tell them to write about me just to save you from my wrath…too bad it worked…_

I knew it would.

**I heard that we can actually revive dinosaurs…is that true?**

Actually it is. If you're studied cells, all you have to do is make a cell totipotent again. Seriously, no lie. Why, if it is a lie…I'll give you the Testaments as payment for being wrong. Finally…a way to get rid of them…

**How do the wings of the Durandal work? They're not attached yet float around the ship no problem!**

Something that defies the laws of physics using the theorem of a zero gravity field and repelling gravity using a quasar pulse. So if you walk on them, you will fly.

_You just made that up, didn't you?_

You want the Testaments for you being right?

_No. I want that piece of turkey you stole from me when I was out hunting for purple-eyed yetis!_

So. All's fair in love and war.

_Oh yeah…I totally forgot about that we're warring against each other…_

The reason why is because you're always losing.

_Shut up…_

**Who do you think is better…Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert?**

Colbert…the guy knows how to rock.

How does the U.M.N. work?

Take two cans…attach a string between them. Now go to different planets across the galaxy. That's how.

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A/N: Whew…these questions are so hard to manage…I somehow set my filing cabinet on fire and ended up losing all of them so I had to ask Wilhelm what to do. These are his questions…not really. He just went around town asking random questions to random people. Dead serious. Some hobo tried to mug him too. Remember to send in those questions if you want them answered! I'll make sure to manage them better next time…


	11. Tenth Telling

A/N: A good ole chapter blaster! Hope you enjoy these questions and don't go for that jar of cookies because Wilhelm licked all of them!

Disclaimer: If I could actually did own Xenosaga, I would have a talk show about this…maybe have its own channel?

**Rubedo: A talk show…like Stephen Colbert. Free the American people from the bonds of society and release their inner desires! I can imagine it now…**

**Wilhelm: I'd rather not know what's going through your twisted mind.**

**Rubedo: It's not bad!**

**Wilhelm: You see me in a ridiculous mascot costume rolling around like some over-excited ostrich when the audience comes up to tickle me.**

**Rubedo: The hell?**

**Wilhelm: You mean H-E double hockey sticks…**

**Rubedo: I've been living with you for way too long.**

**Wilhelm: Agreed.**

**Rubedo: I will make sure to kick you out when I have the chance.**

To…Valkyrie Celes: A Valkyrie…never thought I would meet one, I thought they were just legendary. Anyways, I'm glad to see you've been swept up off your feet by me…I am available and can speak in 4000 different languages. I'm kidding. Hope you enjoy this next chapter! Remember not to slack in your job of collecting the dead. Rubedo might be one of those souls soon…

Welcome to Wilhelm's World of Wonderful Fortunetelling! Ever wonder if there are questions that can't be answered? Well, here's the place to have them answered! That's right, Wilhelm is the number one fortuneteller ever and he puts all talk shows and fortunetelling businesses to shame! With a 100 percent chance of answering questions, let's get those pesky questions answered! (Funded by private donations provided by Vector, Ormus, and Hyams. Don't mind the enormous space and flashy lights.)

**What do you do to cheerleaders shudder in the hallway?**

Screw them sideways…

_I didn't think you were into peppy girls…_

I meant that as a figure of speech. I would insult them because half of them are anorexic and/or bulimic. How else do they maintain their fine figure? I'm not stereotyping…it's the cold hard truth. I've seen them eat…like nothing.

**How do you baste a turkey? Scary Movie 3...puke**

Seeing that I'm not a cooking expert, I will attempt to try and explain…grab a spoon…and spoon it to death! Watch out for flying gore.

**If I closed my eyes, what would happen?**

You will see multiple images of me floating around playing with banjos because I am tinkering with your mind. Don't mind it.

**Who is Mikey Way from My Chemical Romance engaged to?**

Cherenkov…we all know he's gay.

**When the world implodes, what will the apocalypse look like?**

You'd be dead. So I can't tell things to dead people.

_Well then tell us now, oh psychic one…_

My disco ball going out of control.

_You're obsessed with that thing…_

**It is awesome how you rag on yourself in this story; Wilhelm has ultimate control, and so will you ever break free of his evil grasp?**

_Unfortunately, my parents are in love with the guy. Random people keep coming to my house asking for Wilhelm's Fortunetelling Service…the only good thing I get out of this is money. Hahahaha._

This goes back to me anyways because of our contract…

_It's a 60-40 payment. With me being 60 because you're bunking here._

You really are a devil when it comes to contracts.

_That's why I'm friends with the lawyers and Elders…that one's for you Chrono Crusade fans! _

**If a monkey stole your money, what would you do? Would you send a Testament after him? And what if he was an evil monkey of doom working for an undercover gnome?**

A question in questions…I guess I'll have to make sure to answer all of them. If a monkey did steal my money, I'd make sure to get him to stay in my room and then exit it myself. Then, I'd seal off the room and then blow it up because I have set up safety precautions should I be endangered in any way. No, I would not send my Testaments after it because they're absolutely afraid of monkeys. They went to a hot springs and discovered that a tribe of monkeys was invading and have horrid memories of being…abused…by monkeys in every sense of the word. Get Backer fans…that was for you and yes it can happen. If that monkey was working for an undercover gnome, I'd make sure to send Rubedo because he absolutely despises lawn gnomes. You see, they call for him every night in his backyard. He once tried to silence them but only to suffer the wrath of the gnome horde. So, all in all, I believe I have answered all parts of this question. Thank you very much.

**Do you or Rubedo Kukai, the author; believe in destiny, love at first sight, all that romantic crap?**

I do not believe in destiny because I am the one who controls destiny for the Xenosaga characters since I did lead them up to that point. For Rubedo…

_I don't know. I guess it's a paradoxical theme to think about. I hate to believe that I'm controlled by something myself…it's like not having free will because all of my actions have been pre-ordained. But for love at first sight…if you count attractiveness towards a hot girl you just see…then yeah. I would go with "love" at first sight. If you want the "love at first sight" thing, I'm leaning towards not._

**Okay, we all know how you feel about Yaoi fangirls, but what's your take on Yuri fanboys?**

Well. I'd be lying if I said I hate them seeing that some Yuri pairings could be quite hot…oh god. Rubedo's getting to me. It's his obsession not mine! HONESTLY!

_You know you get turned on by two girls in a relationship._

Get out of my head you perverted limatox!

_Limatox?_

Oh, it has quite the negative definition.

**I think we've all established by now that you, Sephiroth, Yggdrasill, or Seymour is the biggest bad-ass ever. But my question is who is the most kick-ass hero/heroine out there?**

Seymour? That guy is a tub of lard. Plus he steals stuff from me and Sephiroth…he's a wannabe bad-ass. Hm…most kick-ass hero…let's go through a list of some potential people, shall we?

**Cloud**- That gargantuan sword of his is probably the only thing's he's got going on with kick ass abilities because he's small in other areas. Plus he's a super emo man. Get over it Cloud, live life and stop sulking! Dilly dally shilly shally, damnit!

**Link**- This is probably the most likely of the male candidates to be most kick-ass. He has a lot of arsenals like arrows, boomerang, and bombs, and there's nothing bad about him. I think his shield can repel bullets too. But, I'm pretty sure he's getting tired of saving Zelda all the time though…

**Mario**- Who wants a girly voice to be a kick-ass hero? Plus he's useless without items. I like the Feather Cape though. But give him a Star, and he's invincible!

**Lara Croft**- Hm. I might just have to reconsider Link when I think of her. Hot and sexy…and probably seductive, she might have an edge over Link if he wasn't hooked on Zelda, the person not the game.

**Samus Aran**- Bounty hunter with a suit that can do it all…she might just take the gold for bad ass heroine. Plus under that suit, there could be a body and face better than Lara Croft! It'd be a freaking conspiracy and yet strangely wonderful…but who knows…maybe a Melee Tournament between all these characters will be good to decide. I could make a lot of money if I bet on…Samus!

**Do you know what a Mary Sue/Gary Stu is? I have a vague idea, but I'm having trouble distinguishing them from normal OC's.**

Depending on the gender of the authors, it'd pretty much about themselves…but in perfect form. Too bad Rubedo can't do that…

_That's because it'd be stupid to write a story about me being perfect…when I'm already cool enough as is._

You just keep telling yourself that.

_I am seriously going to murder you._

The Testaments will avenge me. And you know what they do when they're out on a vengeance.

_Oh god…the nightmares of them trying to screw a horse…and play a heavy metal song while doing it…for each one too…aw hell…_

**How did you meet chaos?**

I met him at Band Camp. The only reason I joined Band Camp was because they're famous for their "parties and education." I got stuck with him as a room mate and damn was that the worst 5 days of my life. He goes on and on about some girl named KOS-MOS and how people have crappy clothes.

**After the third game, where did you go? How is it you can talk to Jr.?**

I went on vacation. Being the bad guy in Xenosaga is tough work you know. I talk to Jr. by opening my mouth and saying something.

**If I stole your Compass of Order, could you still see into the future?**

You couldn't because I would already know you would steal it. Plus I have lots of fake Compass of Order bombs lying around somewhere. And yes, I could still see into the future because I know of a place that sells them.

**Who created the Compass of Order, and why?**

If I told you who created the Compass of Order, then divine punishment would be struck down upon the both of us. The reason why it was made was so that it could point people in the right direction. Pun intended. But, seeing that I am a man of great visions, I have changed it into a profiting business asset.

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A/N: Hope you liked it! Remember to send in those questions!


	12. Eleventh Telling

A/N: C'mon! Let's see if we can hit 100 reviews with those questions!

Disclaimer: Due to E.S. Simeon's ingenious idea of stating that one disclaimer shall apply to all, I have learned the errors of typing these blasted things. This shall forever apply to all chapters seeing that I don't own a thing about anything except for the answers themselves (words not objects).

**Rubedo: Hey, questions are being popped in left and right!**

**Wilhelm: And you're not burning them…this is truly a sight to behold.**

**Rubedo: Why must you act so…pretentious?**

**Wilhelm: Wow, I didn't recognize that you could exploit gargantuan intellectual descriptions to the precise circumstances.**

**Rubedo: Are you saying I'm dumb?**

**Wilhelm: I never said. I'm implying.**

**Rubedo: Well, stop it! I can be smart when I want to be.**

**Wilhelm: That's why they all say. Then it turns out they're nothing but a farting flower.**

**Rubedo: Just what the deuce are you talking about?**

To…LadyAeris1997: Somewhat cynical? Just what are you trying to call me? No word can describe me because I'm a divine being unworthy of being spoken my human mouths. Yeah, that's right. I'm on to you! The only thing that can hurt me is within Lemegeton! And only I and chaos can speak it. So why don't you take that up with your reefer and smoke it!

Welcome to Wilhelm's World of Wonderful Fortunetelling! Got questions that boggle your mind that you just want answered? Spending infinite time to figure out that the answer is wrong? Well, look no further…except here! Wilhelm's got it all! The answers, the perfect Compass, and a huge ship with lots of everything about anything! So, let this telling begin!

**Which one do you like most Norse Mythology or Greek Mythology?**

Norse…because foolish Rubedo had to get me hooked on the anime Mythical Detective Loki Ragnarok…Loki as a teen is just like me. Hot and smooth. And the best girl would have to be Reiya.

_Indubitably! Reiya is the coolest character on there! Sorry, Loki...you're second!_

**If Nietzsche were to be alive and well today, what would you say to him and his books?**

I would say to the guy that he is a genius since Xenosaga title names were created from this guy's work. So…domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!

**Who is your favorite Norse/Greek God? Why?**

For Norse…I'd have to say Loki. It's the anime…I swear. I hate you Rubedo! And for Greek…I'd have to say Hermes. I rather like the flying winged boots…quite the fashion shoes.

**Per say, if a pen is mightier than a sword, then what does that make the computer?**

A nuclear bomb.

**Have you ever played Digital Devil Saga 1 and 2?**

No. Am I supposed to answer anything else? I have read some things about it…a supposed Final Fantasy X Sequel due to its cities being similar to Zanarkand…but they're lacking blitzball! What's a Final Fantasy X without blitzball especially when you see get people nailed in the water!

**What's the name of my pet bird?**

You don't have a name so you want me to name it…Pookie.

**Why are your eyes red? Are you a devil or you do you not get enough sleep?**

Neither. It's all natural. No contacts, no eye spray, no demonic powers, I always sleep, and now I am angry…ha. My eyes show it. FIERY FURY!

**Will you be my mother?**

I wasn't aware that I was a woman. And even if I was, I wouldn't be your mother because then you'd be stealing my thunder…or at least attempting to.

**Are you aware that I think that your mother is hot? (My sister, Euphoria6A wanted me to type this!)**

I wasn't aware that I even had a mother. And if I did, I'd make sure her name wasn't Stacy.

**Will Bush DIE?!**

It depends. I doubt assassins would waste their time to kill him. It would be a waste of treasured weapons. But if you want him to die, you do it. Why are you asking me? I have no num chuck skills, archery skills, or computer hacking skills.

**Are you PMSing?**

Nope, Albedo has taught me how keep a calm face in any situation. So I could be though you'd never know it. Talk to Albedo about learning how to control your inner urges…he's actually starting up a class.

**Cloud & Aeris? Or did Cloud plot her death from the beginning just to get a glance of the ever smexy Sexiroth--err, Sephiroth?**

Well, if he didn't have enough of Sephiroth then when he was in SOLDIER, being emo is the least of his worries. Jacking off constantly for Sephiroth is kind of disgusting to think about.

**If the Earth wore pants, what size would they be?**

7 Billion People. We make awesome colors for jeans.

**Could the awesome Marty Casey sell his back scratcher in Europe with his Chi-Kaa-Go accent?**

Yeah, you'd be his first victim. He just has to say "I'm selling…" and you would buy all of his back scratchers.

**Will fluorescent yellow surf vests be hitting the runways in Milan and Paris?**

Seeing that I'm not a fashion guy, I will say yes. It will be the newest trend. Who can deny a hot respective lifeguard with one of these babies on? I would purposely drown myself so I can be saved by a hot girl lifeguard.

**Best movie ever?**

How can you expect me to answer that when I don't know what genre it should be in? Comedy? Romance? What? You have to specify or else I'll ramble on about movies and how some of them suck.

**Which is better: green eyes or blue?**

I rather like blue eyes. Green eyes have two many variations in them creating the hazel eyes. Blue is…blue. Plus I like the ocean.

**What genre of clothing would your dream girl wear?**

Nothing playboy, that's for sure. I'm not into those kinds of girls that do that to get some. I'm more into clothes like Anise (using the "Childish" title) from Tales of the Abyss. The white school shirt with long sleeves and plaid skirt is pretty nice. I am not a pervert because I don't look up the skirts.

_You DO look up girl's skirts! Why do you think you got slapped by MOMO yesterday?_

I told you that she had a bug crawling up her thigh!

**Why is Vincent so emo? **

It's the left hand that became a claw. He lost his way to masturbate. Pointy things do not coincide with delicate parts of the human body. The right hand is reserved for feeling up Lucrecia only.

**Where did Tifa get her cat suit? I mean...how is she able to fight that guy in it? It looked impossible to move in.**

First, Tifa fights with very few clothes on in FF7 and now she fights with a suit in Advent Children. She's like the new Catwoman…sorry Halle Berry. You're voted off the superheroes Survival Island.

**If I gave you five apples, what kind would they be?**

The ones that witch used to make Snow White go to sleep. Then you'd steal my Compass. Sneaky one, aren't you?

**Do the people in Xenosaga have stunt doubles? Some of those fight scenes are pretty intense. Also, how come if someone dies in battle, they walk around perfectly fine when you are done in a couple of seconds?**

It's a living dead concept. Too advanced for your simple human minds to understand. Sometimes, they might have 1 HP left. Ever look at that?

**What if the sun came closer to the earth, and then, just as it was about to collide with it, it moved away as a practical joke?**

The people of Earth would have major burns and we'd have to blame the asker of this question for their wild imagination. Boo on you!

**In reference to the end of Episode I, the E.S.s where like all weird, does this mean that they have wills of their own and could they communicate with people?**

You should not have said that. Now Rubedo will start thinking of a story where the E.S.s have a mind of their own! They have willpowers but communications? They're like cavemen. More like spacemen though. Although the grave thing in Episode 3 might apply. It's your pick.

_Such wonderful ideas can come from this…_

Aw hell no.

**What would you do if you found out that your friend chaos is not a virgin because of an accident with MOMO?**

The heck? How could you have an "accident" and become a man?

_I'll wring his neck until his Adam's Apple pops out!_

**What is required to operate the Compass of Order? I don't remember seeing a plug for it anywhere when you had your air time, so what type of power source does the Compass run from?**

I believe I have answered this question before…Yaoi fangirls in the morning and regulars at night? Human souls are quite powerful. I'm kidding. It runs on bunnies. The battery of course. It just keeps going and going!

P.S.: I'm not advertising for them.

**If Citrine didn't have any duties with Yuriev, would she take Jr.?**

Seeing that Citrine has a distaste of men, she would probably be a lesbian. And yes, it would just be plain wrong.

**Is the tomato a fruit or vegetable?**

Technically it's a fruit. Though some characteristics put it into the category of vegetable. So…I will now call it a frugetable.

**Have you read Pied Piper before? Did you write it?**

Nope. I'm not interested in Ziggy's past. Leave it to the Ziggy fans. Is it about Ziggy picking pickled peppers?

**Why did you build Joshua? Couldn't you have built Benjamin instead? Or maybe even Job, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, etc. So why Joshua?**

Well, according to religious history, Joshua was the successor of Moses. That fulfills every requirement that I look for in an E.S. Screw others.

**Which is more powerful: E.S. Series or Erde Kaiser Series?**

3 vs. 12…I'm betting on E.S. series since I manufactured them. Plus Erde Kaiser is a one time thing…surprisingly.

**Did you foresight anything on the Professors and their Erde Kaisers? Because they have taken over as the strongest attacks in all three games! Why couldn't it be something like Heaven's Wrath or maybe even Wilhelm's Wrath?**

Unfortunately, I am not responsible for the Professors' work and their development of the Erde Kaiser. Somehow, they're able to tap into the power of my Compass and utilize it to its full potential…those bastards. If it was my attack, then that last battle wouldn't have been any fun would it? I would always win.

**Do you hate chaos?**

Not really. It's the fangirls who keep putting me together as him. For the last time, I am not gay. chaos is metro. Get over it.

**Can you sing the Song of Nephilim just as the actual device does?**

Four pitches. I think I can handle that. La, daaa, laaaaa, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

**Where in the heck did Î© (Omega) ID come from?**

Um, since I have no idea what you're talking about, I'll take a guess. More like a certain guess but what's the difference? Anyways, it's from Greece. It's used as a marvel piece. That's why it looks like an O.

**What does M.W.S. stand for?**

Multiple ways for Shion to kill you when she's in P.M.S. mode.

_It actually stands for Multiple Weapons System…don't listen to him…_

**Is chaos hiding a deep secret that he's actually a Sadist?**

No wonder he used to beat Abel with a pogo stick. I just thought that he liked to bounce on that thing and/or be a bully.

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A/N: Wow! I do believe that those questions were quite good! Keep up the good work everyone! And I'll make sure to work Wilhelm like a dog in answering these questions! Then again, I'd be invading on the contract so…I'll make sure he answers them. I give no guarantees on that…as well as me staying alive in the next 10 seconds.


	13. Twelveth Telling

**Rubedo: Well, it looks like Christmas is around the corner.**

**Wilhelm: Indeed it is.**

**Rubedo: Think you can use your Compass to see if I will get a present from Santa?**

**Wilhelm: No. And no.**

**Rubedo: I've been bad?**

**Wilhelm: Of course you have.**

**Rubedo: How so?**

**Wilhelm: Bad at managing questions and updates.**

**Rubedo: …I really hate you.**

**To…iambreezybee: Well, IamtheoriginalWilhelm! What'd you think of that? Anyways, I enjoyed reading some of your questions. This story will never die because there are always questions everyone wants answered! This was made specifically to help you…in a sense. Anyways, enjoy this session! Rock on Xenosaga 4 C2 Community!**

Welcome to Wilhelm's World of Wonderful Fortunetelling! If you've come this far, then you know how we do it! Questions and answer time! Remember to spread the word! Wilhelm is the big ship that looks like a star that doubles as watching over you!

**Who is the biggest retard on the face of the Earth?**

Bush. I mean the Jewish wandered around the desert for 40 years "listening" to him.

**How did Reno & Tifa and Cloud and them and yeah and you know become... mild acquaintances? As in not setting each other's pants on fire.**

It all started at a gay bar…Tifa decided to see if Cloud was gay when it turns out he wasn't. Reno was the bartender and he gave both of them some good drinks. Maybe a threesome afterwards? Nah…just Cloud and Tifa with Reno staring at the moon or something.

**Do people actually click on those junk emails they get saying something about free undies?**

Yes. Free stuff always invites me to nice things.

**Why'd Kevin even like Shion?**

Apparently, she was the only girl he can get. What a nerd.

**Do you break-dance while you're waiting for the pasta to boil?**

Oh yes. It's a shaman dance to make the pasta boil faster. Hookah hookah shah shah!

**Why was there only 3 games made when there was supposed to be 6? I wanted a fourth one!**

I know! I want a fourth one too! There needs to be more me in there! However, people at Monolith cut off a lot of storyline ideas originally created by Soraya Saga. Those inconsiderate bastards! It's the fans you want not the money and lost hours of sleep managing and creating the game!

**If everyone's going to be awakened, does that include Sakura? Wouldn't that mean there would be a cat fight between MOMO and her over Jr.?**

Sakura is dead-o. If there was a cat fight between MOMO and Sakura, I think MOMO would win seeing that she does have a weapon. What's Sakura going to do, play music at MOMO to death? Maybe give her the silent treatment instant death attack?

**Is Joachim Mizrahi evil or good?**

Beats me. I hate the guy.

_He's good! Otherwise MOMO wouldn't have been created and I would be very sad!_

**Why is Albedo so obsessed with, "The Eternal Chain?" More important, what is it?**

Albedo is obsessed with "The Eternal Chain" because he wants to be gangster. With bling bling like that, he can roll with them. Plus it extends to the far reaches of the omni verse. Quite the accessory…I'll have to steal that later…

**What is Nephilim? A ghost?**

A narcoleptic midget.

**Did you create the U.M.N.? If so, how?**

Nope. I did not create the U.M.N. because it was already there. Ask the people from Final Fantasy. Namco kind of stole their idea for a "Lifestream."

**What would you do if KOS-MOS farted in front of you?**

Wonder what kind of idiot installs stink mechanisms onto a robot. Stink is not a weapon.

**Have you ever farted when talking with chaos?**

No. Hell no. He'd just try to sniff my ass if I did.

**Have you ever smoked and/or drink?**

I detest smoking. Drink…I like to drink…water.

**What video games do you play with your free time?**

Usually action/RPG games. I'm always amused how storylines unfold. Some of them are good while some are bad…that's why I also play NCAA '07 to get my mind off that.

**Does chaos read manga?**

That explains why he wets the bed at night.

**If you could take the role of any playable Xenosaga character (all episodes), who would you be?**

I'd most likely be Virgil, since I can become a Testament with almighty powers and kill myself (as in Wilhelm)...or at least try to.

**How much does a Testament costume cost? It's a shame to see them throw away their masks and such after you pay for such an expensive clothing for them...**

They buy it themselves, that's why their colors suck.

**Do you have an MP3 Player?**

Of course.

**Do you like Coffee?**

Gets me high…like a duck relaxing in Canada.

**What do you like to eat (if you eat)?**

Cornbread. Maybe some humans…full of life force!

**Does chaos have a robot of his own? Like there are the 12 E.S.s and also**

**Joshua, but chaos only co-pilots Asher, so does he have a machine of his own? Or was he too poor to build/buy his own?**

You just listed thirteen. Anyways, chaos does not have a machine of his own because the last time he owned one, he made it look gay. He put clothes on them…seriously! Like dress-up Barbie time!

**Why did you buy masks for your Testaments when they would eventually take them off and throw them away anyway?**

It's used for the climatical effect.

**Do think NPC#563 and NPC#946 make a good pairing?**

Um…sure. As long as they're not gay or lesbians. I don't mind them but seeing them is just plain wrong.

**What would you be doing on a typical day if you are not as busy as you were throughout Xenosaga series?**

Dodging the paparazzi and making sure not to murder them. I'd also be parasailing because I like to fly without E.S.s.

**Is it true that you can do ANYTHING with the Compass?**

Indubitably. What exactly did you have in mind? Sexual preferences are banned.

**Which one is better: PS3 or Wii?**

Wii. Cheaper, better gameplay. Graphics can only go so far. Plus when you're excited you can go "Wii!!!!"

**What would you do if you had to baby-sit Abel?**

Give him a robot to play with. A big one. Preferably one that doesn't hurt him.

**The Zohar is made of gold, but if you were to unwrap the cover, would there be chocolate underneath?**

White chocolate…mmmm. Those lucky bastards who touched it…

**Do you have any other friends besides chaos? If you don't, maybe that's where fans get the idea that you and chaos were...**

You finish that statement and I will make sure your death is painful.

**Do you ever have to deal with long finger nails?**

No. The E.S.s have lovely sharp weapons that can cut through anything.

**Which would you prefer: Coke or Pepsi?**

Neither. I hate them both.

**So you and chaos have lived for quite some time... just how many girlfriends did you both have? Who had more?**

Together…around half a million. I had more because chaos had some gay boyfriends who interfered with some of his girlfriends.

**For your Testament masks, why did you design them to have such big noses?**

Because they're horrible liars.

**Just how much gel did you use to keep your hair in your current shape?**

A fourth of the bottle. Depends on whether I want it fluffy or cool looking.

**What would you do if chaos sneezed on you accidental or on purpose?**

I'd have to rip off his nose to make sure he never sneezes again. Or, if I can't do that, I'll sick Abel on him. Abel likes beating up people with his robot.

**Why is asking you questions so addictive?**

Because you're on crack.

**I thought you were a fortune teller. Now you're just answering questions. Why?**

Usually in fortunes you ask questions and get them answered. You ask questions, I answer them. So there. Case closed.

**You're a fraud. My pet's name is Ticky, not Pookie. And I got my own name, thank you very much. Can you guess it?**

I'd rather not. Seeing that you don't believe in me. Just like you don't believe in Santa. Meanie.

**Rubedo seems to have many names. Which one is his favorite? (Jr., Kukai Jr., Little Master)**

Beats me. I'm not interested in the guy.

_FYI, my favorite's Jr., Ruby, Rubedo, or Little Master._

**If the compass is all-knowing, then why don't you answer the questions?**

Some questions are so ridiculous (like this one), that they don't even need answers to be answered. It's a given.

**You're a cultured man; I was wondering who your favorite painters and poets are.**

For poets…I like Frost. His poems are always…whimsical and insightful…in a sense. For painters, I like Van Gogh. Or more precisely, his ear. I laugh at that.

**Which civilization or period of human society is, in your opinion, the greatest period or civilization? Not necessarily the most advanced, but the period you look back on with the most respect.**

The Roaring Twenties. Love those shady deals, super demons, and beer on the loose. Foshizzle.

**What political stance do you have, if any? Or do you merely find the idea of political parties a pointless endeavor built upon man's desire to define his beliefs, and thus himself, via attachment to a social construction?**

Down with gays and abortion. Go Libertarianists! I think political parties are a must. Shows like **The Daily Show** and **The Colbert Report** bash them and I like to watch them.

**What's Jr.'s favorite candy? I need to know!**

Airheads…since he is one when it comes to MOMO. The more definite one would be the nuclear warheads.

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A/N: Wow! Christmas time is here so time to spread that reading cheer! If you love this story then come out and review, or else you'll be uncool and run through with a telephone pole! Just kidding. Anyways, enjoy the holiday Christmas silver bells! Peace!


	14. New Years Telling!

**Rubedo: What's with that one question? The one with the waffles?**

**Wilhelm: It is not a question. It's merely something that we can't figure out.**

**Rubedo: What?! Does the Great Wilhelm not know what it is?**

**Wilhelm: Of course I do. It's too high-level for you to comprehend.**

**Rubedo: I can so handle it!**

**Wilhelm: You can't. The last time you tried, you ended up in Canada.**

**Rubedo: I was trying to find Mounties!**

**Wilhelm: Just so you could ask if you could ride their horse? Just go to a farm.**

**Rubedo: It's not the same! The Mounties' horses have Canadian power to them!**

**To…E.S. Simeon: So many questions you want answered…I rather enjoy reading and answering them. An Albedo fan, mayhaps? I'll make sure Joshua beats your E.S. later. Hope you enjoy this new telling! Keep it fresh.**

Hello reader! If you've come to find out how things work, you've come to the right place! Are you tired of wondering how things work or why things are the way they are? Well, this guy will answer it all! Just be aware that these answers are just for your enjoyment. I do not take responsibility if death by laughter or burned out eyes occur.

**The people who made Xenosaga sort of put Ziggy and Juli together. Do you think that's sick? He looks like he did when he died at thirty, and she's over forty. Yet Ziggy's over a hundred years old! Plus, he's a cyborg!**

Appearance wise, Ziggy is 30 when in actuality; he is 130 years old and is still kicking and screaming with life…sort of. I guess age difference could be an issue but in the future, it won't be. Don't ask. Just follow along.

**Do you think my Super Dog Spot is cool? He wards off bad guys, and hates Albedo! (Check profile if you want more information on him.)**

He's my new hero. I'll make sure to whip out my Spot Signal when I'm in trouble. It looks like a sun and moon. Depends on the time of the day.

**What will happen after Xenosaga three? You should know with your Compass and all...**

There will be a Xenosaga 4…after a long long delay of creating ideas for it. If not, read Xenosaga four fanfictions…then christen one "your" Xenosaga four…I'll make sure to read that and give you a Pulitzer Prize.

**I heard they were making a secret island shaped like a palm tree for the important people like Bush. But you say they're making an island for gays. Which is it?**

Both. The gays will live in the leaf region so that they will blow away while the important people are safe in the roots.

**You say Jr. likes airheads... And you say he's one himself. Would that make him a cannibal?**

I wouldn't want to see Jr. eating himself. I think he prefers reds to blondes. That's how he gets his wicked red hair.

**Have you ever held a gun?**

No need. I have Joshua and his Tommy gun.

**Do you like candy?**

Of course. It's sweet like me.

**Does Joshua ever talk to you?**

All the time at night. He sings me lullabies.

**Have you ever considered glasses to make you look smarter?**

As long as they're not horn-rimmed or granny glasses, then yes. They do make you look smarter.

**How much did you spend to buy your copy of Xenosaga I?**

Rubedo spent 20 bucks actually.

**What's your favorite music piece from Xenosaga I?**

Durandal. It's upbeat and rocking plus when you got a tambourine, you can't deny the music. Play that funky tambourine, Jamaican mon!

**Have you written a letter to Santa yet?**

He and I are best friends. Where do you think he got his power to travel at light speed and distribute presents?

**Can your Testaments fly like birds?**

When my E.S. hit them for being bad.

**What would you do if chaos ate your Compass?**

Laugh because he would have a gargantuan bulge in his throat. Then he'd probably die and I'd have to have KOS-MOS perform CPR. She's quite good at it.

**What is your favorite planet?**

Back in the day, it would be Pluto…since it sounded cool. But for now, Saturn because of its awesome ring. I want to snowboard on it!

**What's up with Abel and Nephilim?**

We've got Advent Children! Starting the bid at 1000000 dollars!

**Why did Kevin create T-elos? Is it because he's a pervert?**

The biggest pervert in mankind history. The only male to create two female androids for his own pleasure…

**Do you drink enough milk everyday?**

How else am I supposed to be a reasonable height for the ladies? Remember those vegetables too!

**Since chaos reads manga, then do you watch anime?**

How'd you get that idea? Do you think we're twins or something? Two parts of a whole? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!

_Even though it's true…I've seen him. Don't worry about it._

**What would you do if you open the door to your office one day, and saw chaos in your seat reading Shion/Jr. manga?**

Nothing. If I saw Rubedo later, I would laugh at him and tell him about it. Then watch him get flustered and murder chaos…again.

**Why do Prinnies explode when you throw them?**

The air they're pushing against ignites a series of fuses which causes their bodily functions to amplify…so in other words…STINK BOMB!!! DUCK AND COVER!!!

**Why does Laharl laugh so much?**

It's the power of love! Go Flonne!

**Does your Compass ever talk to you?**

In vibrations. I have to use a Sound-o-meter to actually translate. So don't break it!

**Why does chaos seems to always wear gloves?**

To protect his virgin hands.

**Do you have a cell phone?**

Cell phones are outdated. It's called communicator.

**Do you know who Baal, the Lord of Terror is?**

He's my pet. A three headed human, cat, frog expert at jumping over Hell several times.

**What would happen if chaos turned into a Testament?**

He would abuse his power to sneak peeks at KOS-MOS which would result in heavy artillery fire.

**Have you or chaos ever slipped on banana peel(s) before?**

Can't say I have. Kind of hard to miss when you see something yellow laying there. It's like saying, "If you want to be an idiot, step on me!"

**Does Rubedo ever snore when you are off-duty with him?**

We are not gay. So I have no idea. We do not sleep in the same room because we have a space issue when it comes to sleeping…seeing that he likes to cuddle with anything he can get his hands on.

**Why did you make Virgil a testament?**

So I could get closer to Febronia. No lie. I think her curry is better than Shion's!

**How come the White Testament's E.S.'s shape got changed around when joining your council?**

Because it reflected off Albedo's mood. What a crazy guy.

**Are net ionic equations stupid?**

Ask Rubedo that. We people of the future have no need for simplistic chemistry equations. It's called quantum infinitum questions.

_Uh, yeah…whatever, Wilhelm…anyways, yes. They suck._

**How would you react if chaos suddenly exploded right in front of you?**

Prinnie! Prinnie!

**Does the black Testament drink Orange Juice?**

Nope. He drinks V8 juice to get his red eyes. If he drank orange juice, then he would throw up his spleen.

**If MOMO shot you, what would you do?**

Nothing. A gentleman does not hit a woman in any circumstance. Then after she's gone, cry and writhe in pain.

**Why so they call blueprints, well, blueprints? Why not red? Or green? Plaid might be good too...**

Ever look at the paper? Blue and white…patriotic! Blueprints rep the U.S.! Colorful pride!

**Why do anime characters have such ridiculous hair colors?**

Apparently, you can have a multiple variety of color schemes on one person's head when using a computer. Rising opportunities to always get the magenta hair I always wanted…

**Have either of you ever heard voices in your head? If you have, what did they say exactly?**

I have never heard any voice except my own in my head. It's usually quite the one-sided conversation if I did talk to the voices inside my head. It'd just be me.

_Maybe, I don't know. I think it said, "Use the bathroom, Rubedo! You must or your body will blow up!"_

**When was your biggest 'WTF?' moment?**

When I discovered Rubedo was straight. I always thought he was gay.

_I will kill you, you bastard. I'll make sure everyone knows about your doll collection._

**Why are there so few fanfictions for Xenosaga compared to other fandoms? I mean, come on! Even Neopets has more than this place!**

You can't hate cute little digital pets…you just have to make stories about it! Like that fox type thing is going to get an apple!

**Is the Compass of Order just a really evolved Ouija board?**

Yes, it actually gives out answers that are readable and pronounceable instead of playing follow the letters game.

**So, House. ChasexCam or HousexCam?**

HouseXCam. I know it may seem wrong seeing that the episode where they went on that date…but! Seeing that he needs her to put him in his place and she can handle his snide remarks…it works out in the end. Another Cloud, Tifa, Aeris type thing? We could have a threesome…!

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A/N: Here's my New Year's present to all! Hope you enjoyed this lovely telling of questions! Have a great new year! Time to turn it over!


	15. Telling of Randomness

**Rubedo: You know, maybe we're limiting ourselves to just one particular topic when it comes to questions…**

**Wilhelm: This is specifically a Xenosaga fanfic you know…**

**Rubedo: But I'm pretty sure we've exhausted every single question possible…**

**Wilhelm: There are always possibilities.**

**Rubedo: Fine, then how about you come up with them?**

**Wilhelm: Maybe I will.**

**Rubedo: I'm going to laugh when I see these questions…**

**Wilhelm: That's the entire point.**

**Rubedo: Stop being such a smarty ass!**

**To…the people that read this story: I am very happy that all of you have enjoyed this as much as I have! I hope that you will continue to read and ask questions about the work because I see no end to questions…**

Hello and welcome to my Divine Fortunetelling service! Here, you can ask questions and have them answered by me, Wilhelm, the best and only fortuneteller of the Xenosaga world! Anything you want answered? Well, then just ask away! Want to know what happens when chaos become bald? Or what happens when my Compass breaks? Read on to find out!

**Do you think you would have survived the Xenosaga series if chaos was emo?**

He already has a somewhat emoish voice. Then again, if he was, the ending might have been different. Most likely everyone would die…except for me of course.

**Is Rubedo always doing the writing of the fortune telling while you just drive him to work?**

Unfortunately, no. I always have thoughts of using whips on him but I am the one who types all of these while he goes out and flies around in my Joshua. Then I have to use my money to repair it because he crashes it into everything. I'm seriously going to ban him from using it now.

**Why did you put Jin and Margulis into the Xenosaga story?**

Else Pellegri wouldn't have her bitches.

**Did the White Testament ever complain about his robe's color?**

Well, seeing that it was similar to his hair, I don't think you can complain when your clothes and hair match. Then again, chaos' white pants with his hair looked somewhat…gay.

**Is the Red testament actually cool, or was he just acting cool?  
**

Definitely acting. He is nothing but a hardcore geek who makes androids for his entertainment. I cannot stand such a pathetic wimp! Come my fangirls, we shall strike him down together!

**Why couldn't you make your Testaments wear dresses/aprons throughout Xenosaga?**

Because then they would start prancing around like girls and start talking about clothes and cooking. It is not a pretty sight.

**Has chaos ever stolen anything from you?**

My girls.

**If you had a chaos voodoo doll, what would you do to chaos?**

The chicken dance followed by an impression of Michael Jackson.

**Have you ever pulled chaos' hair out?**

If I did, then he'd rip mine out. Then KOS-MOS's…that way we're all "equally" attractive.

**Do you like soup?**

Spaetzle and chicken soup. I always Google my next meal or watch the Food Network channel and cook what they make.

**What would happen if you gave chaos lots of sugar and an unlimited ammo machine gun?**

He'd put the sugar into the machine gun and start firing sugar rays at everyone. Oh god, the hyper chaos that would ensue.

**If chaos went drunk, what would he do?**

Go on a rampage of underwear raids.

**Does chaos have any powers compared to you?**

No. Seeing that he didn't use any of it on me, I will have to thank Mary for sealing his powers.

**How is it possible that during Episodes 1 and 2 with Albedo laughing so much that he does not lose his voice?**

It's chaos and his sugar gun.

**How badly would you kill chaos if he destroys your office (or makes a mess)?**

Let me see a rating scale of one to ten…ten billion.

**Has any one of your Testaments ever tripped because someone stepped on their cape?**

Yes, I have done that on many occasions and have stated that the pink Testament did it.

**What would happen if the Elsa crashed and the crew flew into your office?**

Sue Matthews for the beer.

**Who is greater: Jin or Margulis?**

In what terms? Margulis wins in clothes, power, and hair color. Jin wins in ether power, hair style, and E.S. So in other words, have a hair-styling contest. Jin will win.

**If Julius Caesar and Romeo got into a fight, who would win?**

Julius Caesar. He can take a lot of pain seeing that he was stabbed oh so many times by his "friends."

**Are Nuclear Warheads effective against Obelisk of Lights?**

Nope. Compare a toy gun to a space laser.

**What kind of destruction do you predict if chaos went crazy listening to the Song of Nephilim?**

The destruction of all gloves.

**Who's a greater swordsman: Lloyd or Kratos?**

As long as Kratos doesn't use his angelic powers, Lloyd would because he has two swords plus the rapid abuse of any of the Sword Rains; otherwise, Kratos would fry his ass with a Judgement.

**Does KOS-MOS play Solitaire?**

No, but she's in it. She is my queen!

**Who does Vyse like more: Aika or Fina?**

Fina. Aika's ugly. No offense to Aika lovers…sheesh…it's like Cloud, Tifa, and Aeris again…the horrors…

**Do you have Bankai?**

Can't say that I do. Do you mind giving me yours since you love me so much?

**What would happen if the Compass of Order actually broke?**

I would scream and quit doing this.

**Why do characters in video games don't change clothes for years at a time?**

It's because you don't know that they actually have different sets. They change every time the screen goes black.

**Why is it characters in video games barely ever take showers? In Xenosaga, it only showed Shion taking a shower, and she was the only one!**

Because if they did, everyone would be having orgasms when the characters started showering. I'm onto you fan people. I know Rubedo would have one if he saw MOMO taking a shower.

_No, I wouldn't…bastard.  
_  
**What will you do differently this year than last year?**

Hit Rubedo twice for making me type this instead of once.

**Why are there no battles in Xenosaga where the group has to fight you?**

Because I would instantly win if you fought against me. My light owns yours.

**Spot took off with Albedo! What should I do?!**

First, stay calm. Second, run around frantically. Three, grab a Red Dragon plushie. And lastly, put it out on your front porch. Since Albedo despises the Red Dragon, he will naturally try and destroy the Red Dragon plushie. So, make sure that you're waiting in the shadows and use Red Bull to limit Albedo's limit since he is weakened by it.

-------

Wilhelm: Seeing that there weren't many questions on this little session, I am hereby announcing that I will accept any question that is off or on topic. Rubedo keeps complaining about seeing purple spotted giraffes in his dreams which are impending doom upon his fingers. So, enjoy your evening.


	16. Telling of Epic Proportions

**Rubedo: Hey, looks like your idea worked.**

**Wilhelm: Of course it did.**

**Rubedo: You knew from the start then?**

**Wilhelm: Of course I did.**

**Rubedo: I'll find a weakness to that Compass…**

**Wilhelm: Of course you will.**

**Rubedo: Can't you say anything but 'Of Course yada yada yada?'**

**Wilhelm: Of course you idiot...person.**

**Rubedo: Wait, this is a programmed robot! Wilhelm, you dirty bastard! You're leaving me with cleaning up the fanmail!**

**To…the people at Namco: I must thank you for creating me so I could actually be here. If it weren't for you guys, I wouldn't even be standing here…heck I wouldn't exist! So thank you. Hope your future games continue to kick ass.**

Hello and welcome to my Divine Fortunetelling service! I've added in some new decorations so hope you enjoy…and also! I have now decided that I will answer any question relating to Xenosaga or not because I am just not satisfied with just limiting you to a certain topic…so ask away! Enjoy!

**If IOxKI works and so does KIxKR, then which one would win (Assuming that KR is not cheap)?**

Ki…sounds Dragonball-ish and we all know how much Dragonball kicks ass or more specifically…the Ki…and energy explosions that seem to blow up the universe.  
**  
What will happen if somebody threw their Zanpakuto right into your office?**

Catch it with two fingers…and change it into its Bankai form instantly…then use it to kill the thrower.****

Do you ever use Stoichiometry in your age anymore?

Who needs that simple language when you've got Lemegeton and its interstellar quantum calculations? Those laws are exact!****

Is cheese corruptive?

For those that are lactose intolerant and those who have currently "cut the cheese."  
**  
What will happen if chaos' eye ball just popped out and rolled into your office?**

Squish it. I hate inanimate things staring at me. DIE PICTURES! DIE MONA! I DIDN'T DO IT!****

Did the Black Testament ever sneeze?

Nope, he sounds like a girl when he sneezes.****

What would happen if Rubedo fired you?

Hell, I would fire him.****

Why is there no Luke/Anise fics around?

Rubedo was planning on making a fanfiction on that you know…he loves Anise to death. Tear's next on his list but he's neutral towards Natalia…probably because she's a royal bitch at the beginning…

_Anise rules!**  
**_**  
What keyboard do you use? Most people seem to use QWERTY...**

That's what Rubedo uses. I don't use a keyboard. I use the Compass and whatever I think; it shows up on a holoscreen.****

What happens when your Testaments have a hair-itch but they happen to be on stage and unable to scratch it?

They "flick" their hair. It actually does do wonders…besides make guys look gay.

**Do you like the Elsa?**

When it's in overboost…I like swans. Such delicate, beautiful creatures…****

Has Rubedo ever gotten drunk before during the composing of fortune telling?

You don't want me to answer that. That is something better not known to you. Though it would explain why some questions and answers are ridiculous…****

What would happen if chaos had a rocket launcher?

It would be the end of him because he wouldn't know how to use it…knowing him he'd just point it straight down at his feet and fire.****

If chaos eats 1kg of salt, what would happen?

He would walk on water…no…space.  
**  
Are Hollows really tasty?**

Souls can fill your spirit up in no time!

**Does MOMO have bad breath?**

Might explain why we can't see her teeth half the time she's talking.****

If Rubedo always crashes around with Joshua, why not re-create Asher for him so you could self-destruct Rubedo anytime?

Because it's against the contract for me to try and injure him in any way…

**Has anybody ever called you "Willy" before?**

Call me that again, and I will use the Compass of Order to send you evil nightmares that will plague you for the rest of your life.

_That name brings back memories…hahaha…Willy…_

I'm taking away your video game collection.

_You bastard!  
_**  
Are hollow masks fun to wear?**

Oh yes…suffocation only feels like you're out of air when in actuality, you have plenty!

**What would you do if KOS-MOS created some artificial snot and threw it at you?**

Stop, drop, and roll. Works every time to evade a projectile.

**Before your Testaments threw away their masks, how did they manage to eat?**

It's the beak part of the mask. It's actually a vacuum.  
**  
When meeting with your Testaments, did any one of you guys fart uncontrollably at some point?**

I believe it was Virgil…damn Realian burritos…

**Does Pudge work well with Dagon 5?**

Hells yeah, when used correctly with dismember, rot, and of course, THE MEAT HOOK OF DEATH, I see why not. (Though monetary issues are a big threat…save it for the later…)

**  
What's the difference between Pi and 3.14?**

You can actually eat Pi…mmmm…mushrooms…

**Does chaos use sporks?**

Nope, he uses his gloves. He uses it with everything…that's why he has several different pairs…

**Have you ever treated chaos with fudge dessert only to tell him later that it was mud?**

Why would I treat chaos to dessert? That would make me sound gay even if it was just a friend thing. Though not a bad idea…he really is that stupid…

**Have you ever talked to the Erde Kaisers before?**

No…those bastard Professors made it so only the good guys can summon it…and talk to them…

**Have you met an Arrancar before?**

At a tea party I was invited to…La Fiesta De Muertas.****

Is Grimmjaw emo?

I think you're mistaking "emo" with "insanity." Though I would hate getting removed from the Espadas and my arm cut off.  
**  
Did you ever think of attaching a fire match onto one of your Testaments?  
**  
Unfortunately, I had the ridiculous foresight of making them fireproof.

**Do you like crackers?**

With butter.

**Are Fireworks a waste of time?**

No. It's used for celebration as well as making someone deaf. Use it for people you dislike.

**Is the Red Testament fat?**

He is rotund not "phat."

**What does your Red Testament do on his free time? Eat popcorn?**

Develop plans for another female android. That guy doesn't quit!

**Which is more powerful: Meteor Impact or Chaos Impact?**

Meteor Impact. I doubt chaos is as big as a meteor…no matter how turned on you get…

**How much would you laugh if you see MOMO spilling orange juice on chaos?**

Like the time I saw Allen's swimsuit…hysterically…

**Have you ever imagined what would happen if chaos was drowning in an ocean of tomato juice?**

Not tomato juice…maybe…urine…

**How many food fights has Shion started?**

One…million. Trust me, when she is in P.M.S. mode, she is a food demon.****

Has Captain Matthews ever offered you a beer?

Yes, with his backwash in it. I firmly declined by spitting in his beer that he was drinking.****

Has chaos ever taken a bite out of the Zohar?

Give me a break…he has not.

**What do you suppose chaos will do if he becomes a Testament?**

Try and attain my power of lights.

**Does Ormus ever visit you to ask for offerings?**

Yes, they want my Compass. That's why I disowned them.

**Are chairs really necessary?**

Sellers petitioned for his hover chair to be mass distributed to use instead of regular chairs to the Federation but sadly, he was rejected because of his lack of helium when he tried to explain his theory of universal legs.

**If the Compass of Order can do anything, then can you go make the sun explode?**

And kill all humans? Of course! But that too was put in the contract…damn you Rubedo!

**Why doesn't Nigredo or Rubedo ever laugh like Albedo? I was hoping they would...**

They haven't been hit with U-DO…so they can't hear his jokes.

**If the Frozen Throne was melted by fire, what would happen?**

Whoever was sitting in it would fall into ice cold waters and freeze.

**Do you think that Storm Bolt is effective against Pugna?**

Depends on the situation…if he was trying to run away, yes. If he was getting gang-banged yes. But with Nether Ward and Drain Life…no.  
**  
If Rubedo burped in your face, what would you do?**

Tell him to get a breath mint.

**Which one is stronger: Ray or Rex?**

Rex. He puts the Rex in "T-Rex going to eat you."

**In a fight, who would win: Snake or Raiden?**

Raiden, he can't die. Plus, he'd probably just call down thunder and shock Snake to death.

**Does Shion like to randomly throw curry off 15-story buildings?**

No…she throws them off of 16-story buildings. (**Aka Vector Industries**…)

**How would you react if suddenly your office was invaded by swarms of Prinnies?**

Pray to my Compass.

**Who is funnier: Dreadlord or Demon Hunter?**

Dreadlord by far. Who cares about calling Darkness?****

Does KIxAT work out well?

Yes, as long as you don't change the letters.

**What would you do if chaos gave you a lap dance?**

Wonder if the fan girls put him up to this while trying to get out of the room using any means necessary.

**What do you think about Card Captor Sakura?**

I like it. A new twist to old ideas is always something to be marveled at because it's usually good. Magical girl owns!

_MOMO, use your magical fishing techniques in that cute blue dress!_

How did I end up with you again…?

**Do you like the Syaoran/Sakura pairing?**

Actually, I do. I don't want to sound gay or anything but I think it's rather cute…probably one of the cutest couples I've seen up to date.

_Sadly I must agree…forgive me Jr. and MOMO!_

**Would you streak in front of fangirls if they promised you anything you desire if you do so?**

I WILL DO IT RIGHT AWAY! HERE I COME! I WANT YOU TO STOP PUTTING ME AND CHAOS IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP!!!!!

**Dmitri Yuriev is a bastard. Do you agree?  
**

Amen. Tell it like it is!

**WOULD Rubedo look at MOMO in the shower?!?!**

_Hells yeah! …oops…._

You perverted asshole.

**How long will it be until Shion and Allen have their first baby after the Elsa sets of for Lost Jerusalem?**

Let's see…HOLY CRAP ONE MONTH?! Apparently…they have already done the wild thing…when was that…?

…

…

…

The Missing Year…?

**Are you an evil character or a nice guy?**

I'm both. More of a nice guy since I am taking the time in answering your questions…

**Why is Rubedo seeing purple spotted giraffes in his dreams which are impending doom upon his fingers?**

It's the writer's block…as well as school and him eating broccoli.

**At the end of Xenosaga 3, was MOMO staying in Shion's old quarters? Is she still?**

Who knows what kind of oddities we could find in Shion's room…she is staying in a different room. We don't want her to find Shion's naughty things.

**How can your Testaments talk telepathically?**

Sold their souls to my Compass.

**Spot is really sad Albedo is gone, and he can't bite him anymore. What should I do?**

Light up the sign to call Crispin Freeman! Where's the 'Hahaha?'

**Do you ever sleep?**

I don't need sleep! I am an insomniac!

**Is it just me, or is Sellers like a reincarnation of Elton John?! They are so creepily alike!**

Mizrahi discovered Sellers talent of singing and that's the real reason why he shot his legs. Mizrahi wanted to be chosen for "The Next Jerusalem Idol."

**Another weird reincarnation thing; isn't Ziggy like Michael Jackson on a downer?**

Maybe if Michael Jackson did the robot…Ziggy would do it perfectly.

**Also, I love him to death, but doesn't Albedo look and act like a polar bear on crack?**

Maybe a seal. Not a polar bear because they don't act funny.

**Why are you the prettiest member of the Xeno-cast?**

It's the hair.

**No offense, oh mighty Wilhelm, but don't you agree that you would make a very pretty drag-queen?**

I do agree…I'm just that amazing…

_Narcissist…_

**What would Albedo's drag-queen name be?**

White HAHAHA! Yes, that it was it would be.

**What about chaos' drag-queen name?**

Queen Metroglove.

**4 Testaments, 4 Teletubbies; Coincidence?**

I wanted to name Virgil Tinky Winky, Voyager Dipsy, Albedo Laa-laa and Kevin Po but they thought it was too sophisticated…such stupid children!

**If Helmer and Bunnie had a child, what would it look like?**

Gnosis. That's why there are so much of them!

**If I poked you in the eye, what sound would it make?**

Your scream of anguish when I kill you.

**Do you wish you were a Barbie Girl?**

All the time…I want clothes like her!

**The Macarena or the Funky Chicken?**

Both…behold the Funky Chicken Macarena!

**If duck goes "quack" and a cow goes "moo", then what sound does an angry Kirschwasser make?**

Mmmmmmeeeeeepppp!

**Why do people tend to diss the Second Xenosaga so much?**

Supposedly, it's because of the battle system…too "complicated."

_I rather liked the battle system. Thought it was clever…_

**Is death the beginning or end of your story at the end?**

It's a beginning. Supposed to be a cliché.

**Since you sound so smart, what kind of books do you read?**

Don't need books when I got the Compass.

**Since Albedo is now a part of Rubedo, will that mean he will be growing taller?**

Depends on if Jr. will allow it…both of their powers negate the other…so it can go either way: taller or stay the same height.

_Too bad I don't have an Albedo in me…I could stay a kid forever! And/or not grow at all!_

That explains why you're shorter than everyone else.

_Jackass._

**How long do you think it will take the crew of the Elsa to find Lost Jerusalem?**

The day Allen and Shion have their baby.

**If you were to own an animal, what would it be?**

A swan. I am obsessed with creatures that are like me…elegant and beautiful.

**In your younger days were you more of a fighter?**

Of course! I was the champion of the annual Angel's Fists junior league. That's how I developed my Aurora Lights that owns everyone.

**There isn't much light shed on Helmer; do you know anything about him?**

He is a descendant of Obama. Go black officials!

**Your Testaments had such a sad past, was it the same for you?**

Can't remember…I get too drunk at all the raves…

**And finally, have you been sitting down this whole time?**

Of course not. Have you seen me update continuously?

-------

A/N: Wow! So many questions…but don't worry! Wilhelm has grown two more arms and stolen another computer to answer these ASAP! Thanks for reading! And remember, if you have a question, don't hesitate to ask! It WILL be ANSWERED!


	17. Telling of Gargantuanness

**Rubedo: Hey, we've almost hit the 100 mark.**

**Wilhelm: We should've hit it much earlier.**

**Rubedo: Then you should've answered the questions funnier!**

**Wilhelm: No, it's because there are people that just read it and don't review. They enjoy the story itself and don't bother to review because they're lazy like me.**

**Rubedo: Wait, what?**

**Wilhelm: Those lazy people know what it's like. I commend you. Laziness is an amazing thing.**

**Rubedo: Isn't it one of the Great Seven Sins though…? Sloth?**

**Wilhelm: Good point. Start reviewing before lightning bolts strike you.**

**Rubedo: Religion is such a diverse thing…**

**To…the new reviewers starting with Barret: Fish net wearer alert! There is some big fish in these Xenosaga waters so bring up the anchor and set sail to flee! Anyways, hope you enjoy more of my work and make sure you have clean hands when you give out cafeteria food! (I'm just kidding.)**

Enter all ye who dare read this fortunetelling service! If certain things haunt you, then you have come to the right place to solve those problems. Hang on to your nearest pole because these questions and answers will blow you away if you're not careful. I'm not responsible if you die…of laughter.

**If Allen and chaos had a child, how would it look like?**

Michael Jackson.

**Why do people diss Final Fantasy 9?**

It's Kuja. We don't need another Sephiroth in girl form.

**If you could do one thing in your limitless life, what would it be?**

Hard to say…I've done it all.

**Albedo recently poked my eye. Have any weaponry to "take care" of him?**

Buy a URTV with the power of the Red Dragon. It's all the rage on EBay.

**Do you like the Zidane/Garnet couple?**

Seeing that they are only interested in each other…yes. Poor Eiko…she likes Zidane too!

**What's better than sliced bread?**

When it's toast.

**Oops, I think Alby leaked on your Compass...**

Be like Albedo and die.

**Te miras como un angel. Como lo haces?**

Le hablaria en ingles.

**What would you do if Shion bit your ass?**

Buy a new ass.

**Domino's or Pizza Hut?**

Pizza Hut…I like their breadsticks and deals.

**Cardcaptor Sakura or Tsubasa Chronicle?**

Cardcaptor Sakura…the memory thing just isn't cutting it for me.

**What would you do to Rubedo if he..."touched" you?**

_GROSS! WHY WOULD I FREAKING TOUCH HIM?!?!_

I will make sure you die a slow but painful death. Then I will cut Rubedo's hand off.

**At the end of Xenosaga 3 the characters that passed on said "we'll all meet again someday", is that true?**

Of course…clichés are like that.

**If there were a Xenosaga 4 would you return and be the surprise boss?**

Yes. I will submit that to Namco…

**Will Rubedo ever be truly over Sakura?**

As long as MOMO and the 100-series exist then uh…never. Hello Sakura clones!

**Will there ever be a Xenosaga Episode II animation?**

Maybe if they could actually improve IN the animation. I almost ripped my eyes out when I actually saw the first animation.

**What song best defines you?**

"Do What You Want" by Ok GO. I must say, I do do what I want.

**Why aren't you a playable character in HaKox?**

Don't remind me…for some reason they thought I would take out all the fun!

**If you were to attend a Halloween party, what or who would you dress as?**

Myself because I can be scary too.

**Does Rubedo need to take an anger management class?**

Indubitably.

_I can control myself…he's lying._

You're squeezing the life out of that squish thing.

_GAH!_

**Are you photogenic?**

My pictures are worth a million words…and dollars.

**If you had an answering machine, what would the message say?**

Leave me alone fangirls. If it's actually someone important, please leave your message after the beep. Beep you, Rubedo! Stop messing with the answering machine! Beep.

**If a series is about to end, why do they bring all the emotional drama out then?**

Because they take so much time building up to the drama.

**Rubedo labeled the cover of this fortune telling story that answers are one hundred percent bogus, is this true?**

He meant that the answers are going to be off the wall…not that my answers are wrong. So don't you dare say ever mention that again.

**Why is Dr. Light fat?**

If the speed of light were measured, it would be 300 thousand meters per second and when it's converted, it's 300 thousand grams. That's pretty damn fat.

**Has chaos ever laughed like an idiot before?**

It's really annoying, he sounds like Albedo.

**Why does Sigma have an ugly face?**

With a name like Sigma, it's gotta go with it.

**How come some people claim that one plus one is eleven?**

Raise both of your index fingers and put them together…that's your answer.

**Why are there so many Kuro/Fai fics and not enough Fai/Sakura fics?**

Maybe if he stopped acting like a fool and Syaoran stopped liking Sakura. Heh, like that'll ever happen.

**How come Crimson Balrogs only attacks ships to Ossyria from Vic and vice versa?**

It's because they want them items that you stole.

**Did the Black Testament ever slip on a banana peel?**

He has slipped on an orange peel.

**Does the Red Testament go on adult websites?**

I make sure to put adult block on there.

**Why can't you keep your eyes opened when you sneeze?**

Because then your eyes would come out.

**Why does E.S. Dinah look relatively similar to Simeon yet so different from Levi?**

Because Levi is adopted.

**Is Rubedo a nice guy?**

If I answered that, I would have to give you a long five page report on his horrid behavior. Only a paragraph would actually be about his niceness.

**How do the readers know that you are actually real and that this fortune telling is just not all made-up by Rubedo?**

Because he can't make great answers like mine.

_Touché…asshole._

**Why did the Bountou's powers seem to decrease as they are in Soul Society?**

It's because the Soul Society is a place for souls. That means they know how to manipulate them. Watch out Bountous…they poisoned the souls you're about to devour!

**If the Blue Testament accidentally smashed into your Compass, what would happen?**

I would take away his Realian food.

**Did the Compass ever sneeze?**

Nope, or else the Universe would explode.

**Why are Veggie Burgers as useless as a healing item but yet sell so high?**

That is stupid! But if it involves zucchini…then I wouldn't understand why it wouldn't be high. Zucchini is worth a million greens…literally.

**So...Rubedo is actually a big pervert?**

I wouldn't say big. Gargantuan is more like it.

_HEY! I AM NOT THAT MUCH OF A PERVERT AS YOU! YOU USE YOUR COMPASS TO SPY ON GIRLS WHEN THEY'RE IN LOCKER ROOMS!!!_

**If Rubedo is a pervert, is he more perverted then the Red Testament?**

At least he doesn't make girls to satisfy himself. He can actually get them.

_You actually didn't insult me…? Wow._

**What would you say if Jin wanted to have a tea party with you?**

I knew it…you're gay.

**Why do Lycans drop Ilbis?**

It's their claws. Sharp as a…stick.

**Who is the most powerful: Dances with Balrog, Grendel the Really Old, Athena Pierce or Dark Lord?**

Dances with Balrog sounds gay, Grendel is too old and would probably break his hip often…so that leaves Athena and Dark Lord. Since Athena is a girl and the goddess of war, I would put my money on her.

**Is chaos an idiot?**

He's not an idiot. He's an idiotic idiot.

**Would Rubedo look at Shion, KOS-MOS, Shelley or Mary in the shower?**

He wouldn't look at any of them.

_Good. You know me well._

He would look at MOMO.

_Damnit…too well._

**Who do you think is more perverted: Rubedo or Red Testament?**

Red Testament by far. He is obsessed with porn.

**Would laughter kill you if you saw Rubedo in an apron making burnt curry?**

I would be running for my life. Oh god, he's making me dinner…

**What do you get when you put Fluorine, Uranium, Carbon and Potassium together?**

Floranium Cassium…also known as…the Rhine Maiden source.

**Do you ever get tired of answering questions?**

Nope.

**What would happen if the White Testament flew around space and then suddenly smashed into your office window?**

Revoking his Testament powers and his E.S. before I send him back to hell.

**Have you ever talked to Dracula before?**

When we had a drink together…with red wine. Not blood because it tastes nasty.

**Why are Jr. and MOMO so oblivious to their relationship?**

They haven't had the Durandal and Kukai Foundation talk yet. It's the new "Birds and the Bees."

**I forgot to ask this last time, but what would your drag-queen name be?**

Wonderful ingenious lovable helmsman formerly known as…Wilhelm.

**Since you actually agreed you would be a good drag-queen, will you actually become one?**

Probably not. I would not like to crash and burn.

**If you and Helmer fused, would you then be called "Wilmer?"**

I'd still be called Wilhelm…though I'd be black and bald…and even sexier than before because we all know blacks get the women. It's the 'Helm.'

**Can I call you Wilmer anyway?**

Hell no.

**Can I call you Willy?**

Give me another nickname and I will nickname you "POW" with my signature. (**Pwned obstacle…Wilhelm**)

**Do you ever braid your hair?**

I look like a farm boy if I do.

**Have you and chaos ever had a slumber party?**

We are not girls…well; chaos is to an extent…but no. I do not want to invoke your fantasies of me and chaos hitting each other with pillows. You will burn for this.

**Do you wet the bed?**

No…I stopped doing that when I was 2000 years old.

**Do you shave your legs?**

I always have pants on so you will never know.

**Is it true you used to star in adult movies?**

Who told you that? I thought I paid the U.M.N network to eliminate all evidence of it…

**Do any of the Testaments wear make-up?**

How else would they have smooth skin on screen?

**Do you wear make-up?**

If I did, then I'd be even better-looking causing fan girls to constantly stalk me and try and constantly give me makeovers.

**What would you do if Albedo licked your cheek?**

Cut his tongue off.

**If KOS-MOS could get pregnant who'd be the father?**

Someone probably programmed her so…technically Kevin. But chaos probably instigated it…so dual fathership maybe several like Anna Nicole Smith's child…

**Does Ziggy look at gay porn?**

Maybe that's why he got mechanical parts…

**If there was a version of KOS-MOS produced that wasn't built to battle specs…like a civilian type, what would be the difference and what would it have cost?**

More people would hit on KOS-MOS…and it probably would've cost cheaper since she isn't equipped with "ballistics."

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	18. Telling of Celebrations!

**Rubedo: So, uh…what were you planning to do when we reach 100 reviews?**

**Wilhelm: Throw a party.**

**Rubedo: Where?**

**Wilhelm: In Abel's Ark, of course.**

**Rubedo: But that place is disgusting! It's so gooey…**

**Wilhelm: It'll be a new trend for all parties afterwards…**

**Rubedo: What if we get attacked by Gnosis?**

**Wilhelm: That's why we have the goo…to stop them in their tracks.**

**Rubedo: You're insane.**

**To…AwesomePersonXD: You will forever be remembered. You have made the 100 mark for my telling and you deserve much praise. I will send you a special model of the latest A.G.W.S. Vector is working on. Make sure not to let the cops see it.**

You're just in time for the greatest event ever known to start, my Fortunetelling service. If you've got a question, I'll answer it to the best of my ability so that you can be satisfied and not wonder about questions that clog up your mind. So...let the asking begin!

**In "Dangerous" is Omar saying "bet" or "pact"? Cause I just don't know.**

I bet you it's "bet."

**Why do they call it puppy love? **

Because it's cute…aw….

**CAN PUPPIES LOVE!?**

They're just like children…so yes. It will quadruple in size when making babies.

**Mountain Dew... does it really kill sperm?**

It contains it.

**Do they make electric powered wind chimes?**

If they can make the Theremin, an instrument that is played without being touched, then I would say yes.

**So...T-elos. Could she be an elevator called tellevator?**

Then KOS-MOS would have to have one…the KOS-evator.

**Why are there such weird lyrics as "I told you not to talk to the man with the stubble"?**

Music is the art of expressing one's self…they're trying to warn you that men with stubbles are going to rob you.

**How come the most retarded lyrics see above get stuck in your head? And at the worst time too?**

If you remember it, then it will stick. That's why I have such things called "repressed memories."

**Musicians. How come so many of them are good looking?**

Now you're saying Rubedo is good-looking because he is a musician.

**What will you do when this fortune telling reviews reach one hundred?**

I'll love you forever.

**How much HP do you have?**

I simply cannot say because the exact number would fill up everything in this telling.

**Do you really look at girls through your Compass as Rubedo said?**

That is a lie. How would he know? Maybe he used it himself.

_Don't you dare pin it to me!_

**What would happen if you took away MOMO and gave Sakura to Rubedo?**

He would probably try and attempt to make Sakura look like MOMO.

**)0 5 3 1337?**

I like to keep things in letters I can understand. This isn't a language of numbers.

**Is there such a place as Sleepywood?**

Yes, it's the second forest on the left of Hundred Acre Wood and straight on to the horizon.

**Why did the name Geta get changed to Deadly Fin?**

Because you can't get a Geta because it's going to get got.

**Is Rubedo desperate?**

For what exactly? There are many things he is desperate for like…

_Don't you dare tell them or I will tell them about that one fan girl…_

**What would you say if MOMO chopped chaos' head off with a giant two-handed sword?**

Have you been working out? Your muscles aren't showing.

**What would happen if Shion laughed like Albedo?**

Everyone who played Xenosaga three would probably want to kill her even more.

**Is chaos tired of you being superior then him all the time?**

It doesn't matter. I will always be superior.

**How many girlfriends does Rubedo have?**

I don't know. We don't know much about each other's social lives. We're strictly work partners.

**Will Rubedo eventually surpass Red Testament in the pervertedness department?**

Maybe. He needs to create a female android for his enjoying pleasure. I doubt that'll happen though seeing that I steal his money every night.

**Why does chaos like to drift in the middle of space?**

Cause he's the Universal Ranger.

**Why do readers sometimes see Rubedo making comments if you say he is flying around in Joshua?**

Somehow he hacks onto my computer using the Joshua and I am too lazy to spot check.

_Heheheh…._

**If you had a dollar for every new girlfriend Rubedo meets, will you be rich?**

That's how I came to own Vector Industries…

**How would you react if chaos burst into your room in pain and swearing about because he kicked a rock?**

You're going to hell for swearing.

**Does Lavos ever fart?**

Every time you see a volcano explode, think of a butt.

**Does E.S. Reuben ever feel troubled because of what the other 11 E.S.s are doing?**

His virgin mechanism…poor Reuben.

**What do you suppose happened to the guy who was told to "go &#( a cow"?**

He mooooved.

**Does Dante drink apple juice?**

So that's how he kicks that much ass…

**Why is U-DO so funny?**

Higher-up jokes you probably wouldn't understand.

**What do your Testaments eat?**

Any water based life form. Yes, you are included. Watch out little mermaid…

**Would you laugh if MOMO turns down Rubedo and runs away?**

Yes, I would laugh but then he would discontinue this story. Unfortunately, it has been stated in the contract. He is the sole proprietor of this story and I'm only used to answer the questions.

**Have you ever though of stealing Hammer's glasses?**

All the time…we all know glasses are the key to power.

**Who is Tony supposed to be?**

Tony who? Tony Flare? Maybe Tony Blair…nah. Tony Flare sounds way cooler.

**What would you say if Allen broke his own neck just by turning around?**

Hey, turn around, Shion's there.

**Why doesn't Ellina have a pathway to the dungeon in Victoria Island?**

Maybe because water is a problem. It's just an ocean.

**What do you think of Envy/Lust pairing?**

I don't think much of it. I never saw any relation between them.

**How much did you laugh when Vyse bought four?**

That's four too many.

**How can I become as much of a badass as you, or is such a thing simply not possible?**

It is simply not possible because you are made out of water, not rainbow lights.

**Seeing as how all humanity has basically become one huge blob, though still having physical differences, does anyone even bother discussing race in the future?**

Good point…we will all be…like me.

**If you dyed your hair, what color would it be?**

Sapphire so I could say that I'm on "fire" for you.

**If you named the Xenosaga series, what would it be called?**

Wilhelm Sagas: Episode 1: Meet the coolest person in the world.

Wilhelm Sagas: Episode 2: Learn his ways.

Wilhelm Sagas: Episode 3: My fantastic finish with strobe lights.

**Who's your favorite Xenosaga character?**

That's easy, myself of course.

**Why is Xenosaga not very popular?**

Apparently, if a video game doesn't have "Fantasy" or "Gears," it's going to stay at the bottom. Boo on that.

**Why are characters in Xenosaga and other games perfect? ALL the characters in Xenosaga can type ten thousand words per minute!**

Well, duh. They're the heroes of the game. They gotta be perfect to be role models for the people.

**If there was a fight between an E.S., Eva unit, and a Gundam, which would win?**

E.S…I bet you that you can't use healing items on Gundams or Eva units.

**Why does Namco create such cruddy disks for their games? Game freezes for Tales of the Abyss and Xenosaga I and Memory Card problems for Calibur I.**

They put all their effort into gameplay instead of the thing that really matters…operability.

**If nobody is perfect and you're perfect...does that mean your name is "nobody"?**

Alas, I have heard that maxim well, "Nobody's perfect. I am a nobody. Therefore, I'm perfect." But what if I were to say, "I'm perfect. I'm not nobody. Therefore, I am a somebody that is perfect." What do you say to that?

**Does that also mean that the Nobodies from KH2 are perfect also?**

That's like saying the Heartless are without hearts even though they have them.

-------


	19. Telling of Returns!

**Rubedo: Finally, have some time to put this up…**

**Wilhelm: It's about damn time. I've wanted to publish this for quite some time.**

**Rubedo: Well, excuse me if I have a life.**

**Wilhelm: I have a life too.**

**Rubedo: Sitting in front of a computer and answering questions?**

**Wilhelm: That's my work life…**

**Rubedo: Then what's your real life?**

**Wilhelm: It's a secret.**

**Rubedo: Whatever.**

**To…Lady Yami: I must commend you on the fanfic about Miyuki and me…I must say I was quite…aroused by it. Uh huhhhhh…I think I might have to give Miyuki a raise…anyways, enjoy the telling!**

You're just in time for the greatest event to start, my Fortunetelling service! That's right; it's bigger than New Year's and Fourth of July! Here come the questions now…so here I go with the answering! And don't be mad if I don't answer your questions! Just send them for the next one!

**Why does BasilMarket have so many people?**

Isn't Basil the "King of Herbs?" And when there are herbs…there are other herbs that smell illegal…

**How much faster do you think you could have reached a hundred reviews if it wasn't for Rubedo?**

First chapter, hands down. This kid is so slow at managing this for me.

**Have you ever thought of making Jin a Testament?**

Why? We have a rule for short hair. His long hair would mess everything up because he'd act all cool swinging it around. We're cutting that ponytail, Jin.

**Is MSN reliable?**

Would you trust your information network on three letters? Try six…V-E-C-T-O-R.

**Do you ever make fun of Rubedo?**

All the time. It definitely speeds up the answering.

_Have you played that new Pacman game? Fucka, Fucka, Fucka, Fucka…asshole._

**Did the White Testament fail his math exam?**

If zero plus zero equals infinity, then yes.

**Do you think you could reach one thousand reviews?**

Hell, I'll reach a trillion.

**Why does Cloud look stupid when he's fighting Sephiroth?**

Finally! Someone finally realized his inferiority!

**How do you suppose Mutank felt when Tiny Tank beat him?**

Ashamed of course. What happened to the Little Big Tank that could?

**Does the Blue Testament like sleeping in?**

With his Realian cadavers…

**What happens when Simeon Gets Sick?**

He gets some drugs to heal him up and it ends up becoming an action movie dealing with gangsters.

**Is Kingdom Hearts fun?**

Yes. It's going to be the next Star Wars.

**Has chaos ever tried disguising himself as the Black Testament?**

Maybe if his eyes went red and his throat was ripped.

**What would the Red Testament say if you ripped his skin off?**

"Now I need to put makeup on again!"

**How would you react if chaos entered your office carrying bombs all over him and then setting them off?**

Laugh because they are the wrong type of bombs.

**What do you think of the chaos/Canaan fic that's been circulating around lately?**

Nothing really…chaos could use some love…even if it is gay. Poor KOS-MOS…

**What would Rubedo say if you threw a hammer into his face?**

I just got hammered…so now, I'm the new MC Hammer!

**If Shion got drunk, then how would she kill Albedo?**

Talk about her period.

**Why didn't you make Xenosaga popular so that sales would be greater and then possibly it could have gone onto the planned 6-episode story?**

It's because they didn't show enough of me!

**Has chaos ever frozen himself in an ice cube before?**

I think I'll trick him into that after I finish this telling.

**Why can't you spell Funeral without spelling FUN?**

Because when you die, you can party forever without getting hangovers.

**How come SPAM mail is so common nowadays?**

It's because computers like Spam…such delicious binary numbers…

**Is Macbeth supposed to be gay?**

Explains why he had a LADY MACBETH.

**Why is Nexon so stupid with releases and such?**

It's the name…gotta be Nexy.

**Have you ever tricked chaos into getting inside and barrel and then later rolling him down the hill?**

Yeah, it was a TNT barrel.

**Do you like Country music?**

It's always about trailer parks and wives leaving you…no.

**Bow or Crossbow?**

Bow, because you need strength to use it. Crossbows are for sissy men who can't pull a string and an arrow back.

**Guns or Knives?**

Knives. I block bullets and throw them right at people's vitals.

**What would you do if one of your arms were severed?**

Say that I already knew that was going to happen and then beat down the person who severed my arm with my severed arm.

**There's a rumored KOS-MOS action game. Do you predict suck, or epic win? This here Toki predicts a mix.**

Epic win. It's another Lara Croft baby! This time, she's bigger and badder than ever!

**Why do people go to square dances and dance in circles?**

It deals with the fourth dimension of dancing…higher level stuff.

**What is your opinion on Miyuki Itsumi? Would you consider doing her?**

Hot as hell. I want her to have my babies.

**Have you ever fell into the Abyss in Xenosaga?**

No. I'd rather not piss off the universe.

**What exactly is in the Abyss?**

You do not need to know…many things…

**Why did Albedo get an E.S.?**

You thought his laugh was bad? His complaints pierce the ear AND your brain.

**Is Shion really that smart?**

No. She asks Miyuki for "help" all the time.

**How dorky is Allen?**

If there was an award for the Dorkiest Guy ever…he'd win all the time till he died.

**Why can't we time travel?**

Because we cannot bend reality…it is beyond your comprehension when it comes to higher level dimensions and quasar propulsions. Plus, people would be changing history.

**What does Rubedo do when you're not looking?**

Obviously not managing this story like he should!

**Will pigs someday fly?**

Strap a rocket to the pig. It's that simple.

**How did you think of the name for Vector?**

Variety of levels of amazingness.

Everyone loves me.

Charming for the ladies.

Too awesome for everyone.

Only one me.

Real like reality. Not a dream.

-------

A/N: Hello there…everybody! Sorry for the long wait…but I took a break from fanfics for awhile if you hadn't noticed…anyways, I'm back in my prime so better watch out! Because Rubedo Kukai Jr. is coming back into town…and college life just beyond the corner!


	20. Telling of Laziness!

**Rubedo: Ah, summer…**

**Wilhelm: You lazy bum. First you have the June laziness bug, and now you have the July writer's bug. Now what?**

**Rubedo: I just sit here and relax like a Snorlax.**

**Wilhelm: Pokėmon? I didn't think you were into it.**

**Rubedo: I just like that one since I'm most like it.**

**Wilhelm: Holy fudgenuckers.**

**Rubedo: What?**

**Wilhelm: I just beat Twilight Princess.**

**Rubedo: The hell?**

**To…Ranchdressing: Mmm…sounds delicious. Your questions I mean…I answer them like Pacman eats those dot thingies. I hope you enjoy this telling because it's going to be appetizing with humor!**

Come in! Don't be afraid! This is Wilhelm's Fortunetelling service and he answers questions that don't have answers! That's right…mysteries will be solved with his handy-dandy Compass of Order! Please come in a filed fashion so that we may fit everyone in the room.

**Do you think that Miyuki pwns everyone but you?**

I don't think that…I believe it.

**Do you think Rubedo needs to get some Coffee? He looks like he's about to faint.**

He doesn't like coffee…he prefers energy drinks. And Sprite. And Candy…don't give him Reeses…

**Does the USA ever fart?**

That's why the Ozone layer is dying.

**Will Rubedo be able to kill you if you erased MOMO out of existence?**

Yes…by means of the contract, I cannot inflict any harm or erase anything about her else I will subject to his whim for the rest of eternity. Death is just one of the many options I am given.

_Yeah, that's right…I'd take your Compass and rescind all of your power…stupid Wilhelm, how dare you even think about killing MOMO!_

**Who are KOS-MOS's parents?**

Technically, it would be Kevin and Shion…but I don't like it. I'm calling it Allen and Shion's baby.

**Does blitzkrieg work against Rubedo?**

No, he's an excellent strategist when it comes to tactics…damn him in Risk.

**What would Rubedo say if you released a mad horde of Gnosis against a defenseless chaos with only a sword?**

He'd say that chaos would be the next Mel Gibson.

**Do you ever ride air planes?**

When you got an E.S., airplanes are just toys. Watch for me in the skies!

**Even if you are on contract with Rubedo, can't you just mind-control him and then take over his life?**

Unfortunately, that is in the contract as well. I cannot conspire anything against Rubedo or else I will again be subject to his every whim. I do not like running to Wal-Mart every day just to get him some snacks because I violated a statement of the contract.

**If Rubedo is going to be slow with updates, can't you just make him sneeze like mad until he makes updates faster?**

That would kill him which means I would violate the contract. Oh…my legs are killing me…

**How do you react when somebody says: You must construct additional Pylons?**

How about I shove Pylons up your ass you stupid voice! So much for the futuristic technology of the Protoss…that's why the Terran own.

**Did you know that StarCraft II was announced?**

Yes. It's my duty to be informed of everything.

**Would you build nuclear silos?**

Rubedo does. He enjoys sending an army of ghosts to nuke the same spot of the enemy's base. It's actually quite interesting when you see 50 billion nukes go off on the enemy.

**What would you do with Buzz bombs?**

Kill a bumblebee.

**chaos is lying down in the field, what would you do to cause trouble for him?**

Send a bunch of fan girls to "treat" him.

**Do you use Fortune cookies to answer all your questions?**

No, but if you want to, make sure to add in the two vital words to make your Fortune cookies accurate: "In bed." For me, I just need to use the Compass.

**What would you do if a Prism Tank started to shoot you?**

Get a prism and reflect the rainbow.

**Do you think Chrono/Lucca will work?**

Maybe if Lucca would stop loving science…

**Will Israel their current war?**

Lose? Win? End? Hmmm…I can't answer if you can't specify. But I will say that it will be the last country to not be blown up.

**Do you like MapleStory?**

Haven't played it…so I don't have an opinion on it. Sounds like it would go great on my pancake though…

**Why does a Mushmom drop Ilbi throwing stars?**

Because moms have sharp utensils in the kitchen.

**Are you implying that MOMO and Jr. had sex?**

There were many things that were cut out for all three Xenosaga Episodes…so no, I am not implying. I know they did it.

**Are you sexist?**

No, I am quite tolerant of everyone, everything, and every ounce of individuality. It's called R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

**Why is there a GS Campaign?**

Because they know that you, the player, are not a Good Samaritan.

**Why is that bunny working as a government agent in the GS Campaign?**

It's in disguise! No one would ever suspect a bunny that is posed as the Easter bunny…

**Why don't you see Shion receive mail anymore, like in the first game?**

It's because she lost her fans. C'mon, she totally went downhill during the second and third episode…

**Why does the Captain in Xenosaga have so much debt?**

Does his hat say something about it? Or maybe he met the Seraphim Sisters at a strip club…

**Does the compass hate anyone, and changes the order of the universe just to bother them?**

Unfortunately, the Compass is merely an object so it has no consciousness. That's why I am able to do that.

**Do you like metal? Glam, death, thrash...in general?**

When it's shiny, yes. When it is used to kill Rubedo, yes. When I can beat Rubedo up with it, yes.

_I think he means music, dumbass…I should've put intentions of killing me on the contract consequences you giving me all your money._

Oh, I don't. I prefer classical music and operas.

_Operas? I'll kill that fat lady so it'll be over before it starts!_

**I hate it when people use "lol"...do you?**

I'm mutual towards it. Though, we all know that you're not really laughing out loud, more like haha, you did something stupid!

**Do you shop at Fubu?**

That is why I'm hot.

**If you do shop at Fubu...do you shop at Allibaba?**

Nah, Vector is much better. I'm going to start expanding its business range…V-shirts…mechanical arm parts maybe?

**This is my last question...what if MOMO humped you...oO?**

Easy, Rubedo would think that I brainwashed her and would then proceed to make me his errand guy for the rest of my life. I really need to get more exercise…

**Can you answer the question "Does Jr. like MOMO or Sakura more?" You never got around to answering that.**

_Automated Message  
Please try again during the next telling. Wilhelm is out at the moment._

-------

Wilhelm's Voicemail: _Sorry about that! I forgot that I had planned something for someone special so please continue sending in questions so I can answer them in the next telling!_


	21. Telling of Crazy Pants!

**Rubedo: Man, I am so out of it lately.**

**Wilhelm: Explains why you aren't updating this regularly like you should.**

**Rubedo: It isn't in the contract…so there. I can do what I want when I want.**

**Wilhelm: That contract is the abomination from the level below Hell.**

**Rubedo: What would be left, ash?**

**Wilhelm: That's what would be left of you if I had my way with this story.**

**Rubedo: Whatever. You're just jealous that you're not real.**

**Wilhelm: I am too! Damn elitists!**

**Rubedo: Psycho.**

**To…Illusera: Welcome aboard to my story of EPIC EXPLOSIONS! You shall definitely be treated to a lot of laughs…so don't go choking on me, okay? I like everyone who reads.**

Good evening reader! Today's Fortunetelling consists of a large array of sushi with an entrée of beef soup and chicken fried steak! You won't enjoy this telling if you don't relax you know! So here we go! A toast to the greatest Fortuneteller in the history of Xenosaga…me!

**Why in those commercials do they use "bom chicka wah wah" when it's really "bow chicka wow wow"?**

Cuz they ain't black.

**Why does Shion like Bunny?**

Because she's obsessed with its feet.

**What type of things does Miyuki invent?**

Everything…from small tin rubber bands to satellites of mass destruction.

**What's inside KOS-MOS' "Black Box?"**

Her virginity.

**Can your Compass also tell direction, like a normal compass?**

Of course! It is all knowing…how could you not know that?!

**What is Zarathustra made out of?**

Gum wrappers.

**What was the cookie that Rubedo Kukai Jr. didn't like?**

Burnt cookies probably. It's not of my interest of his likes and dislikes.

**What cookies DOES he like, then?**

The obvious choice: sugar cookies. He loves getting "high."

**Can I have the cupcakes the Secret Legion of Angels used to smack Rubedo with? I'm hungry!**

No. They are top secret information. Though it is very delicious…

**What does Ich werde Sie schrauben REALLY mean? I don't know any words in German but I'm pretty damn sure that doesn't mean screw you.**

Well, if you just yell it, I'm pretty sure it means something bad. Those Germans are pretty damn clever with their language…

**Could you please explain the chicken and egg answer?**

I meant what I said. They both came down at the same time. There is no "first."

**Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? If so, who is your favorite character?**

I've seen a couple of clips from time to time. But I have to say, Grey must have some unforeseen cojones if she can stay calm like a bomb when she has her hand on one.

**Are you related to Willy Wonka?**

That man is an impostor. He stole my ideas for just about anything sweet…

**Who is the biggest imbecile you have EVER had to work with?**

The guy publishing this for me. Though I have to say, working with Heinlein is worse…

_Right back at ya, asshole._

**Does this person accidentally kill people on his own team, have a crush on a tank's AI, and/or load his gun with crayons? If not, then you have yet to see the pinnacle of idiocy...**

Hah, Heinlein just knows how to piss everyone off with his crazy ideas of terrorism.

**Do you think the Numa Numa Song can be used as an instrument of torture?**

You'd have to do the dance as well for it to be perfect.

**What other songs do you think could be used as such?**

Hamster Dance. Oh god, why did I listen to that rant for so long…?!

_Hahahaha. That's payback for trying to poison my Reese's…_

**Do you know where I could hire chaos for a party?**

Look out in space. He's in the stars.

**Why shouldn't we give Reese's to Rubedo?**

He loves them. He will seriously run through several brick walls to get one.

**If you ruled the world, what would be the first thing that you'd do?**

Destroy all forms of binding contracts.

**Have you seen the purple spotted giraffe or the flying purple elephants?**

Seen them? I make them as plush dolls.

**If Shion went one-on-one with Citrine, who'd win?**

Probably Citrine…she is manlier than Shion.

**What do you usually do to irritate Rubedo?**

Not give him cookies.

**If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?**

Well, if you aren't there, then you won't hear it. However, as we all know from Lord of the Rings, trees are alive hence the "Ents." They would hear it.

**Why do we buy hot dogs in packs of 10 and hot dog buns in packs of 8?**

It's a marketing scam. You have to buy 4 hot dog packs and then 5 hot dug bun packs to even it out. They are clever…but not as clever as I…

**What is the meaning of life?**

To read this story.

**Didn't it hurt when Kevin cut your arm? If so, why didn't you stop it? I mean, you already knew it was going to happen...**

The people at Namco paid me to go along with it. The arm was just a prop. Even so, we had to make it as realistic as possible…Kevin almost cut off my real arm! I demand a refund!

**If Jr. is technically 28, would it be wrong if he dated women of his actual age and vice versa?**

Morally, it'd be sound. But appearance wise, no. Pedophiles! THE FEMALE MICHAEL JACKSON!

**Why do people hate Jr./MOMO pairings?**

_WHAT?! WHO IS HATING ON JR.XMOMO?!?!?!?! I DEMAND JUSTICE! BRING DOWN THUNDER AND LIGHTNING!!!_

Calm down. The world doesn't revolve around those two…

_LIES!_

**If KOS-MOS had emotions, who'd you think she'd have the hots for?**

The obvious choice…the guy in the gay pants.

**What the hell is the U.M.N?**

You me now. I am available to all ladies.


	22. Telling of Suddenness!

**Rubedo: Wow, it's been awhile.**

**Wilhelm: Where the...never mind. I already know.**

**Rubedo: Yep...**

**Wilhelm: People have been waiting you know. **

**Rubedo: I know, I feel kinda bad.**

**Wilhelm: Well, I've been using that time to develop.**

**Rubedo: What?**

**Wilhelm: The power to destroy contracts.**

**Rubedo: Not this again...**

**To…Giseisha: Welcome aboard this crazy boat of insanity! Do not worry, you will be safe because laughter is actually good for you! So please enjoy this chapter!**

Welcome back to Wilhelm's Divine Fortunetelling! That was one long commercial break huh? Hopefully, everyone has had the chance to finish what they've needed to do and pay full attention! Anyways, enough talk, let's have some questions!

**Do you have a handy-dandy notebook?** What's a notebook? We all have PDAS now. **Are Mike and Nat having a secret affair!? (See Cinder Road's Myspace for ****said guys)** No...scandalous...I mean...We don't need more GuyXGuy pairings. **FLAMING MARSHMALLOWS. Ever been hit in the eye with one?** Can't say I have. Though now I know what to pelt a certain someone with... **Who's the best Xenosaga character(s) to make smores with?**

Jr. His Red Dragon knows how to burn.

**Which Xenosaga pairing annoys you the most?** MeXchaos. I am not gay for the infinite time. **If you SOMEHOW lost the Compass, how did you lose it?** Contract. Signed by Rubedo Kukai Jr. **What was that thing about the Koolaid?** OH YEAH! ...no idea. **Has Canaan ever gotten mad over anything? What would it take to send him ****over the edge?** Nope. He's too introverted to be mad. Steal his teddy bear. **How come Rubedo, Gaignun, and Albedo were the only variants?**

You forgot about Citrine. It's because red, orange, white, and black are the only cool colors in Xenosaga psychology.

**Would you ever force anyone to listen to the llama song? if so, who and ****why?** TESTAMENTS. GO LISTEN TO IT NOW BECAUSE I SAID SO. **How useful do you think the internet is?**   
Very. I can find EVERYTHING. _Including __**those**__ pictures, right?_ ...shut up. **Who would win in a fight-Shion or Miyuki?**

Miyuki. She has her satellites.

**Miyuki invents satellites of mass destruction?!** It's the latest rage in the technology industry. Who WOULDN'T want to get one? **If Zarathustra is made of gum wrappers, then who had the gum that was in ****the wrappers?** Virgil. He thought that the pink gum was MOMO in disguise. **What other interesting things are on your and Rubedo's contract?** Classified information. **Who created the Zohar, and for what purpose?** Joachim made it so that he could have the best chocolate in the world. **Do you like KOS-MOS, as in person?** She is pretty cute...but not my type. I prefer the feisty ones like T-elos. **W****hy is it in Xenosaga, you only leave your office in Xenosaga 3?** They always save the best for last. **Have you ever played the Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney games, and if so, who's ****your favorite character?**

Yes. Luke Atme. And just because of his name.

**What if this were not a hypothetical question?** I'd still answer it anyways because it's still a question in my eyes. **If a rose actually were by any other name, what would it be?** Thorns. **If the Number 2 pencil is the most popular, then why is it still Number 2?** Because the Number 1 pencil is special. **When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?** You just bought their brain. **If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?** You have ultimately succeeded. Good job, you failed at failing the class. **How come when you mix water and flour you get glue... and then you add ****eggs and sugar you get cake? Where does the glue go?**

You're already eating it...yuck.

**Is there any chance Loituma could win over hamster dance and numa numa ****song in the competition of most irritating song? I think it would...** ...why did you say that? Now I'm going to have nightmares ;; **Would you like me more if I say that I don't ship the Jr.XMOMO pairing?** I would like you more if you would tell me what you meant. **What's an elitist?**

A person who is part of an elite group. Like myself.

**Why is it that it's so friggin' difficult to find non-yaoi fanfiction for Xenosaga?**

Yaoi is starting to become more popular. It's spreading like wildfire and will be put out soon by me.

-------


	23. Telling of Instant Ramune!

A/N: Well, everything seems to be different now

**Rubedo: I finally have time to help you publish this!**

**Wilhelm: I didn't need your help.**

**Rubedo: Really. Then why are you sitting here doing nothing?**

**Wilhelm: I'm watching my Compass idiot.**

**Rubedo: Oh, what's on tonight?**

**Wilhelm: When PMSing girls attack.**

**Rubedo: …don't tell me…**

**Wilhelm: Yep, Allen made it into a TV show.**

**Rubedo: Why am I not surprised?**

**To…Final Hikari: I apologize to not doing this sooner! Hopefully, this new chapter will make up for it…else, I'll just have Rubedo be your servant for a day or something. Enjoy!**

From the comfort of my Vector offices, I bring you my fortune-telling service! There is always room for one more reader so please sit down! I answer questions that people have asked me so prepare yourself for an amazing display! So without further adieu, bring on the questions!

**Why would you put out the Yaoi wildfire?! (It's awesome!)**

Because I despise male to male relationships. I am a strong believer in everyone to worshipping Wilhelm relationships.

**Ever heard of Globus?**

Nope. I don't pay attention to anything but Vector.

**Which is your favorite member of the very-loved-unhearted Organization XIII of Kingdom Hearts?**

…Larxene. Girl power. I could go on a rant flaming the others, but that's for another time.

**Can I join you in your fight to put out the Xenosaga Yaoi wildfire?  
**

Yes. Here's a Dammerung to help you.

**If you had to pick one animal to have as a pet, what would you pick?  
**

Dragon. So I can fly away from the fangirls.

**Do you like roasted marshmallows?  
**

As long as Voyager doesn't touch them, then yes.

**Have you ever met an oompa loompa?  
**

I have tea with them every Sunday.

**What's your favorite kind of cereal?  
**

Vector Bytes. It's nutritious and delicious!

**I don't care what you say. Nat and Mike are SO having an affair... :)**

You and your perverted fantasies…

**Hey Master Wilhelm, what is up with people trying to put Shion and chaos together? I mean, no offense to your brother or whoever, but he's just way too kind for his own good, and definitely does not belong with a PMSing dumb ex-scientist gone stripper.**

Maybe opposites attract? I don't care since it doesn't involve me.

**Why is Cherenkov so freaking creepy? I mean...umm…wow…he was a serial killer, and attacks just about everything…is that why he want into the Corps?**

The Corps were MADE for creepy people. How do you think Cherenkov was accepted?

**M-Kay…so a while back, I gave chaos a pogo-stick…. and now it's all dented and crap. What did he do with it?**

He took it and jabbed it up his…bal...cony. The planks in there had to be removed so he did it forcefully.

**Why does chaos sound gay in the first game and almost Emo in the second and third?**

Because chaos knew that the second one would fail which is why he sounded so emo. For the third, it's because the game was ending.

**Another pairing question. Yes, I'm an Albedo fangirl. I'm also a chaos fangirl…so to help me with Fallen Angel (one of my fanfictions). Why do people pair them together?**

Because they're color-ist. They're both white.

**If Albedo walked up to you, cut off his head, and started talking with his head on the floor, what would you do?**

Smash his head with my foot.

**When are you going to quit calling me stupid?**

When Shion stops being a bitch.

**Who owns more: Sephiroth, Genesis, or Angeal?**

Hmm. We have an OCD Oedipus Rex, a pretty boy wannabe badass hero, and an old man. My money's on the old man.

**Why do RPGs like Xenosaga, Valkyrie Profile, and even Final Fantasies transcend the laws of grammar? "?!" is wrong and my grammar checker won't let me forget it, but I see it in subtitles all the time.**

Their laws of grammar and our laws of grammar are different. I talk the way I want. Don't be Grammar nazi-ing me.

**Did Feb and Virgil ever get laid?**

Of course! The nice lady act is just an act and Virgil needed something to stimulate his senses when he started eating Realians. Duh.

**Exactly how old is Mary supposed to be?**

…enough to get laid…I mean. To be a respected idol.

**What was the acceptable age for people to get laid back Biblical era of Mary and Yeshua? chaos' simulated age is only sixteen or so.  
**

I would say 16. Ancient eras had different rules. I loved those times.

**Who designed the clothes for KOS-MOS Ver. 4? Shion, Allen, or the Professor?**

Professor of course! You know how he gets with creations.

**Is there any way to look under a character's dress or skirt in the character viewer of Episode 3?**

Nope. But you can with my Compass. Only for my use though.

**How many hours of battery power to KOS-MOS and T-elos have?**

To keep going and going…

**If Alby's pee makes things pink, did Albedo's pee do the same? If so, is THAT why MOMO's hair is pink?**

Yeah, she uses his pee as her shampoo. Jr. loves the smell of acids.

**Does chaos wear boxers or briefs?**

Neither. Spandex works magic.

**Did Mary and Yeshua ever get laid? If so, were there any birth control methods back then I don't know about?**

The power of Anima.

**What are the chances Shion read books like the Enchanted Lands by Jude Deveraux or Mr. Perfect by Linda Howard?**

Zero. She isn't a romantic reader, she reads about how to bitch.

**What are the chances Rubedo read books like the Enchanted Lands by Jude Deveraux or Mr. Perfect by Linda Howard?**

Zero, he doesn't read.

_HEY. I'M READING A BOOK RIGHT NOW._

Oh, I forgot that was you.

**Who came up T-elos' attire? Was it a sci-fi clash of a hooker's attire and a geisha's?**

I did. I wanted to bring T-elos to the next level in android fashion.

**So, why are so confusing?**

Because aren't letters.

**Was Shion aware if you add an fa to the beginning of her name, you get 'fashion'?**

Probably not since her clothes are horrible.

**Who would win in a fight that's T-elos versus Vincent Valentine?**

T-elos, hands down. Vincent would emo about Lucrecia while T-elos blows him apart with her U-Teneritas.

**Who would win in a fight that's KOS-MOS versus Cloud Strife?**

KOS-MOS since she has a hammer, a gatling gun, a scythe, a drill, a sword, a cannon and whatever else you can put in an android in her arsenal. Cloud only has his sword and his spiky hair. Maybe some materia. But the truth is, spikes aren't enough.

**Is there a higher percentage of fangirls that support chaosxKOS-MOS or fangirls that support chaosxWilhelm and KOS-MOSxShion?**

Definitely the chaosXKOS-MOS. You cannot believe how much oogling my employees do whenever you mention the two.

**Does KOS-MOS have the ability to smell? What about T-elos?**

No. Otherwise they would've run from Shion since she reeks of bitching.

**Is it supposed to be Yeshua's grave that's beyond Mary's and the cross?**

If there's a nametag there, then yes. If not, then no.

**Is it healthy to have a 1 GB file of Xenosaga pictures?**

Not really. You need 2 GB to make it healthy.

**Any reason chaos' eyes went from teal in Episode I to ice blue in Episode II?**

Because chaos went emo in Episode II, hence going "blue."

**Seraphim are the highest rank of angels in traditional medieval hierarchy. There are supposedly nine categories of angels. In the Book of Isaiah they are described as having six wings. Was that an early hint about chaos in early Xenosagas?  
**

Of course. They always hint at what chaos is.

**Did you have anything to do with the history channel's special "The Real Mary Magdalene" that aired back in December?**

Yes, my influence spans even to the real world.

**Does Albedo shop at that store with the angel clothes you mentioned earlier?**

No, Yuriev is actually a professional runway model so he made the clothes for Albedo.

**KOS-MOS Archetype-what's skin and what isn't?**

It's all metallic.

**How would you feel if I had you mention a disco ball in my XSIV fic? You're my main badass.**

As long as I get to use that disco ball, I would be fine.

**Why'd Kevin give U-TIC the device to make Archetype Kosy go nuts?**

So we could see her kick some REAL ass.

**Why's chaos' cowlick so huge?**

Because other parts of him are small.

**Why did May Magus become Mai Magus?**

Mai flows better.

**In the Japanese Episode I did Rubedo use boku or ore (not the American ore, the Japanese or-ay) to refer to himself?**

Boku I think. My Japanese could be off.

**In the Japanese Xenosagas does KOS-MOS use watashi or boku when referring to herself?**

Both depending on the situation. I believe watashi is used for describing yourself while boku is used for actions referring to yourself. I'm probably wrong seeing that I only know the language of Wilhelm and Lemegeton.

**In the Japanese Xenosagas does chaos use watashi or boku when referring to himself?**

See above question.

**Will wallpaper makers ever remember that chaos is actually a few centimeters taller than KOS-MOS?  
**

He is destined to be shorter for her.

**Why wasn't there every official art of Mary?**

Because they couldn't contain her hotness in a simple art picture.

**Do you like being the main badass of stories?**

Like? Hell I always am. I love doing it, it never gets boring.

**Why was the KOS-MOS Archetype's hair white, but do all of Shion's KOS-MOS configurations she's got blue hair? Was it just because she didn't want Kosy to look like you?**

No one can ever look like me. And the reason why is because they didn't want to get color-ist. Too much white is bad. Blue is good.

**If you got the Compass of Chaos and Order from Hades, did you get the freaky power to resurrect dead people from Queen Hel of Nifelheim?**

Nah, it just comes with being the main bad guy in Xenosaga.

**Did somebody sneeze when coming up with the word 'Zarathustra'?**

They barfed.

**Would Shion be more likely to have a dog or cat?**

Cat. They know how to keep their cool and then go all out bitch.

**Would KOS-MOS destroy any cat Shion did own if she were playing with it and it scratched her saying it she had to protect Vector employees?**

Yes. Weapons know no morals.

**Is the high school math of Xenosaga more or less confusing than the crap they've got me learning in 2008?**

More confusing. We're 2000 years in the future, there's no way you'd be able to understand our quantum arithmetic to the seventh infinite derivative.

**How many fics have you read titled 'Xenosaga IV'?**

…zero. I don't read those unless it says: Xenosaga IV: Wilhelm's Return.

**Do you ever read other Xenosaga parodies for inspiration?**

I mostly get inspiration from watching myself.

**Do you ever wonder why people continually send you questions?**

Not really. This is a question and answer service so I expect questions from the viewers else I'd be out of business and living like a hobo like Rubedo.

**What is the Numa Numa Song?! I've read about a Shinigami that absolutely hates it.**

You should look it up on Youtube. You can find everything there.

--

**A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry for not updating as much as I can, but I've been swamped with lots of life. Hopefully, things will pick up soon! Think of it as a semi-hiatus…but I'll do my best in updating! Just be sure to send in questions!**


	24. Telling of Cheesefarts

**Rubedo: Why does it have to be so hot when I'm back?**

**Wilhelm: The Compass is reacting to your fail.**

**Rubedo: Then do something about it! I can't take it!**

**Wilhelm: That just means you're not hot.**

**Rubedo: The hell?**

**Wilhelm: I can deal with it, therefore, I am hot.**

**Rubedo: That doesn't sound right.**

**Wilhelm: The ladies can vouch at how hot I am.**

**Rubedo: ...*sighs* Bastard.**

**To…Albedo's Angelic Grace:** I have to say, Albedo did go out in style in XSII so I commend you for the name! I give you a warm thank you for reading along with me, so please ask more questions for more comedy!

Welcome! If you've come to have fun, you've come to one of the greatest amusement events of the century! Please be sure to fill out any questions you may have after the show, this story is about you and your questions so don't let me down now!

**What would you do if chaos grew clingy to you?  
**

Break every single limb in his body so that he won't cling to me. Then laugh at his face.

**Why did the Xenosaga creators kill you off before you even had the chance to show your awesomeness?**

Because you wouldn't be able to handle it if I showed off. Your eyes would be blown out of your head.

**How come we didn't see too much of Alby in Xenosaga II?**

Because all he would do is pee on the screen. You don't want to clean your TV, do you?

**Alby has purple eyes, so does that mean he's connected to Albedo?**

No! The name Alby has nothing to do with Albedo. The whole fact that he's white and has purple eyes just like him is just a coincidence.

**Does the male cast of Xenosaga know about the guy pairings? If so, what do they do to stop it?**

No, they don't. They're too busy with their own women.

**You really can't stand Shion can you?**

You're good. She is one of the most annoying characters I have ever encountered. I mean really, if you're supposed to save the world, stop PMSing and slitting first. If I were Namco, I would've made myself the main character. Actually no, none of you are worthy enough to control me.

**Who came up with the Song of Nephilim?**

You would think Nephilim. But no. It had to be Mizrahi. Good thing it wasn't the Song of Mizrahi, he's a horrible singer. Not that the Song of Nephilim already grates my ears.

**Okay, how do I get chaos to leave me alone?**

Throw clothes out the window. He is gay for them.

**What is up with bad guys having white or silver hair? Albedo, Rosarial, Sephiroth, you, what is with the stereotype? Then again, you're not a bad guy, you're badass.**

Yes, I am THE badass. The rest are wannabe posers of my awesome hair (color).

**Is chaos a killing machine against Gnosis?**

If you remember in Episode I, he just touched one to kill it. But in ACTUAL battles, you actually had to beat down the Gnosis. So, I will say no. That whole touching tidbit just shows how gay he is for Gnosis. The power of Gnosticism compels you.

**Are you ready to run because Midna sent me, A FANGIRL, to tell you that pirates suck?**

No, YOU AND SHE should be prepared to run because I will pirate everything you have and sell it to everybody else and become even richer.

**Are chaos and KOS-MOS a pair? Are Allen and Shion a pair?**

Yes, angels and robots are perfect for each other since one is made of machinery and the other out of divinity. Whiny bitches too…they are both made of incompetence.

**If I were to pay for everything, would you go to my senior prom with me? XD**

Depends on if there is an after-party and that I won't get mauled by fangirls.

**How mad would you be if I told you there are people on DeviantArt who have plotted to steal your Compass?**

I already know. I have begun the counterattack.

**Anyway... why do you want Eternal Recurrence? **

So I can continue laughing at people for being stupid every single time history repeats itself. It never gets old.

**What if I sent Yaoi fangirls after you?**

I'd shoot you. Or send Kevin to sick you.

**Who do you think is cooler: Albedo, Rubedo, or Nigredo? **

Rubedo automatically fails for using a contract. Albedo is a crazed, maniacal lunatic bent on showing off his machismo while Nigredo is a wannabe clone of James Bond. I'll go with Albedo because he has hair somewhat similar to mine.

**What was the point of resurrecting Virgil? Why not someone else? **

He needed more screen time. They wanted to emphasize his "Kenshin" scar and weird DME addiction. They're sending messages to you, the players, to not do drugs and eat Realians. You can scar yourself and be a partial badass however.

**And finally, why is Voyager's face so darn creepy?**

He used to love Halloween, so he would put random things on his face, little did he know, it would transform his face into what it is now. He tried plastic surgery to fix it, but it made it even worse.

**So Wilhelm...can I borrow Albedo for a while? Please? I need him for something...important...**

Testaments are free to the public.

**For some reason, I laugh whenever Albedo laughs. Does that mean I'm mentally unstable?**

No, that just means you're just as cool as he is.

**I took Shion, Jr., chaos, KOS-MOS, MOMO, Ziggy, and Jin to dance club the other day and when I was checking up on them, I couldn't find chaos or Jr. anywhere and I didn't see them until the next day sometime in the afternoon. Can you tell me where they went and why?**

Just Jr. and chaos? You sure you weren't missing KOS-MOS and MOMO as well? Dance clubs are dangerous for kids and robots, they just go dance fever crazy.

**When will you finish mixing CLANNAD?** That's Rubedo's job. And that is when he is not a tranny. **Where do airls come from?**

The conjoining of broken dishes and crazy Koreans.

**Why do you gotta be so darn shady all the time?**

I'm white, so I can't be shady. Have you seen my skin? I don't even need to tan.

Secondly, Namco kept restricting me from being too awesome from Episode I. I will make their worlds a living hell.

**Where do babies come from?**

From the Abyss.

**When is the next update going to be?**

When the sky falls and the ground becomes the sky.

**A/N: Hey everyone! It's been awhile huh? Sorry for the long wait, I've been through a lot, but hopefully I can get right back on track where I left off! This story won't die if you have more questions to ask! Thanks for reading!**


	25. Telling of Extraordinarism

**Rubedo: So, this is how much this has changed while I was gone?**

**Wilhelm: Well, you are in half of this work.**

**Rubedo: But it's the slave work!**

**Wilhelm: Befitting, no?**

**Rubedo: Screw this; I'm going to have my magic typewriter handle this!**

**Wilhelm: Typewriters are a thing of the past.**

**Rubedo: Your face is a thing of the past!**

**Wilhelm: And it is still quite handsome.**

**Rubedo: Back to the Stone Age with you!**

**To…Izayoi Sakuya**: Now, I'm not sure if you are actually referencing the character from Touhou or not, but if so, you have gained massive awesome points from me. ZA WARUDO. Anyways, thanks for keeping up with me, and I hope you enjoy this one!

**Settle the debate: Pirates or Ninjas?**

Pirates ninja loot. Ninjas pirate loot. I say, pirates are better since ninja is a much better action than pirate.

**If anything can be said about FFVII in general, it's that people to like Vincent and Reno a lot than all the other characters. What's the secret of their popularity?**

Vincent is Twilight's Edward in Final Fantasy form. It's not Reno they're interested in; it's his tongue.

**What was with chaos'...bulge...in Xenosaga I? Can you say wardrobe malfunction  
because I'm pretty sure that something went wrong...**

He's just super excited…in the wrong place.

**How would you feel if you were paired off with Kevin? And trust me, it has  
happened.**

I would eat myself. Wait, I just ate myself.

**Why does chaos never really seem to eat anything, even when he so clearly has food placed right in front of him?**

He's watching his delicate figure of course, needs to fit into his spandex.

**Why is the Compass' cube green?**

It wants to be hugged.

**If you were a soup, would you be any less awesome?**

I'd be even more dashing. Buy Wilhelm Soup today. I need commercials, NOW.

**Regular ice cream or ice cream sandwiches? And why?**

Ice cream of course. Cone Sandwich. Because the sandwich squishes the lovely ice cream into submission while the cone wraps it tenderly in its arms.

**Why did my cordless mouse's battery run out?**

It just wet itself in my presence.

**Have you beaten Kid Icarus?**

Unfortunately I have never played it. But in Brawl, I always went for that little bitch. It's highly annoying when you have a bugger who can fly, zone you with arrows, and also block projectiles that come in front of him.

**If your head blew up, would you die, or are you just too awesome?**

Being awesome is not even a question. My head would be (and is) the very best, like no head ever was.

**If you had a teddy bear, would it eat small children?**

Have you seen my bear Tibbers?

**Can you perform the Vulcan Neck Pinch?**

Would you care to be my guest?

**Which has more win: Nintendo, Sony, or Microsoft, and why?**

Nintendo, hands down. Your gaming conference known as "E3," was quite interesting to watch. Sony/Microsoft is practically copying the Wii with their "Moves" and "Kinects," while Nintendo brought back a good portion of your favorite franchises of the past. I support plumbing.

**If no one is worthy of playing as you, is anyone worthy of playing as a cosplayer of you?**

…no. No one would *ever* get my hair right.

**If you could pick on side of the Triforce, which would you choose? Why?**

Power of course. If you had power, you would naturally have courage, and you must be wise to use your power carefully, else you will be slain by an elf in tights.

**How did your death scene get to be so epic, and yet still render Kevin's sacrifice meaningless?**

Because Kevin is not a disco ball.

**If you were to have more Testaments, what would be their colors?**

Purple, pink, maroon, and vanilla sprinkles.

**What is Kirby anyway? And how can he survive, being just a ball of pink whatever-he-is?**

Yarn. He can unravel and eat anything!

**What's your favorite number?**

Me.

**Apart from yourself, what is the most badass main villain ever?**

Kefka from Final Fantasy 6. The man represents.

**Have you ever failed at anything? Even slightly? Just a tiny pinprick of failure?**

I failed to get rid of this person who created this absurd fortune telling service.

**What would you do if you woke up in a bed with a naked Shion and chaos on  
top of you?**

Sorry, you must be mistaken. Those two are just part of my personal harem, Shion and chaos would never be a part of it.

**Why does shooting an arrow at the sun give you magic fire arrow powers?**

That is a tear. You have hurt the sun with your arrow. Shame on you.

**What is your favorite Latin quote?**

Adversus solem ne loquitor.

**Why do you hate Rubedo so much? What has he done to you?**

To remind you, he is the one who created this work and has put me under this binding contract.


End file.
